


My Brother's Boyfriend

by SkylarEQuinn



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 17:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21140804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkylarEQuinn/pseuds/SkylarEQuinn
Summary: Human AU. Emil Steilsson had always been living in his brother's shadow, hoping to meet someone who would see him for him. When he finally does meet that one person, everything begins to feel as if it had fallen into place. Boy, is he surprised to find out who that person is dating!





	1. Chapter 1

I've always been jealous of Lukas. He's always been the best at everything, always been the perfect child. Me? I'm the fuck-up. I'm always living in my older brother's shadow, and I hate it. No one gives a shit who Emil Steilsson is, but they suddenly care when they find out I'm Lukas Bondevik's younger brother. But there was one person who was different; a true diamond in the rough. It was just too bad that he fell under my brother's spell, too.

Here I was, running later to school on the second day of my sophomore year. It was quite tragic. Lukas had to be to school early, so he didn't have time to wait on me and give me a ride, so I was stuck walking. My prematurely white hair was being blown every which-way by the wind as I ran down the street toward my school, wishing that I would have accepted my best friend Leon's offer of a ride to school with him and his brother Yao, but I just wasn't ready to listen to Wu Tang Clan that loudly that early in the morning.

So anyway, there's sweat dripping from every pore of my body, and this senior pulls over next to me and asks if I want a ride. I knew he was a senior at my school because he was one of the popular jocks from the soccer team, one of the least likely people to talk to me. I could only imagine what he wanted. For a few moments, we just stared at each other until I finally spoke.

"What?" I asked, pulling on the collar of my shirt to get some kind of air flowing over my overheating body. "Can I help you?"

"You look like you need a ride," the senior told me. He grinned at me and ran a hand through his spiky, blond hair and winked a blue eye. "Do you want one, kid?"

I knew better than to accept rides from strangers by that point in my life, but this guy went to my school. It couldn't be that bad of a choice to accept a ride from him, right? Besides, if he was on the soccer team, he was trustworthy, right? Right. If anything drastic were to happen to me, I would just blame Lukas for going to school early. No big deal.

"Sure, thanks," I said as I walked over to his car. I opened the door after he unlocked it. "And I do have a name, you know. It's Emil."

"Nice to meet you, Emil," he said, flashing me a toothy grin as I closed the door and buckled in. "I'm Mathias." He began to drive. "So what's your first period class?"

I thought for a moment. "My first period is study hall. Why do you ask?" It was weird to me that he was asking my my school schedule, of all things. Why not ask about other things.

"Did you eat breakfast this morning?" he asked, glancing over at me. "Because you look pretty hungry to me."

What was he getting at? Sure, I had skipped breakfast, but that was because I was running late for school. "Why does it matter?" I asked him. "And the answer is no, I didn't eat. I barely ever eat in the mornings. You see, my brother makes food in the mornings because our parents make night shift, but if I wake up late, he won't make any for me as punishment for sleeping in."

"Sounds rough," Mathias sighed before turning off of the road to school.

My eyes flew open wide. "W-What are you doing?!" I demanded. "We need to get to school!" My heart picked up its pace and began beating at a rapid speed. "Are you kidnapping me?! Let me out!" I reached for the door handle.

He placed a hand on my shoulder. "Woah, calm down there, Emil. I'm only kidnapping you for first period. Study hall doesn't matter anyway, right?"

Something about his hand on my shoulder calmed me a little more. "Okay," I softly agreed, placing my hands back in my lap over my backpack. "Then where are you taking me?"

"Just to get some breakfast," Mathias laughed. "You look starved. My parents own a cafe a few blocks from the school, just off this road. I was on my way there when I saw you. Originally, I was going to give you a ride to school, but you just look too hungry to take straight to school." He grinned over at me. "Have you ever eaten at The Danish Pastry House?"

The Danish Pastry House was Lukas's favorite place to get breakfast. I always saw him with a coffee or a donut from there, but he had never taken me with him before. He always told me that it was his "personal time" when he went there, which was stupid because he was always locked up alone in his room anyway. He had plenty of personal time at home. Why did he need even more out in public?

"I never have," I answered, eyes widening. "My brother goes there all the time, but he never takes me because he's selfish." Before I could rethink what I was doing, I smiled excitedly and asked, "Is that where we're going?"

Mathias laughed. "Yeah, that's where we're going alright." His mouth stretched into a wide grin. "I can't believe you've never had it before. I thought everyone in town had."

"Well think again," I told him. I couldn't wait to see Lukas's face when I told him that I had gone to his sacred sanctuary of coffee and pastries. It made my blood race through my veins. "I just wish my brother would bring me with him sometime. When I was younger, I used to beg him to take me places with him, but he would always refuse."

"Your brother sounds like a total tool," my handsome driver commented. Wait a sec! When did I start thinking of him as handsome? Not to say that he wasn't, because that wasn't it at all! Mathias was gorgeous, but when did I start noticing so? When did my inner gayness come out? I was hoping and praying that he wouldn't notice.

"He really is," I agreed. "I can't stand him, and he can't stand me. But I guess that's just the way it's always been." Sighing, I leaned my head against the seat belt holder. "Do you have any siblings at all, Mathias?"

He grinned at me once more. "Not exactly, but I do have a cousin who lives with me. His name is Berwald, and he's from Sweden. He's pretty cool, but he doesn't really talk much. He works as one of our bakers in the shop. Him and his boyfriend Tino."

"Boyfriend?" I asked. "Your cousin is gay?" I hoped that didn't sound as offensive as it sounded to my ears.

"Yeah," he laughed. "Berwald is a truly amazing person, though. I admire him a lot for how out and proud he is about it. He goes to Pride parades and everything."

My eyes widened in surprise. "Wow," I answered as we came to a stop outside of a small cafe. "Is this it?"

Mathias smiled proudly and gestured toward my window. "This is it!" he excitedly said. "I can't wait to see you lose your Danish Pastry House virginity!" He laughed and opened his door, getting out. "Come on, let's go inside, Emil."

I quickly followed suit, hoping that I didn't look like I was following Mathias like a lost puppy. Then again, I kinda was one, having been picked up off the road and all. My eyes widened as we walked in. There were Scandinavian flags lining the walls, and the smell of freshly baked goods was overwhelming. It was like heaven!

"Mat, you're here!" someone behind the counter cried out. As he ran out, he looked no taller than me with blond hair and long bangs that nearly covered his large, violet eyes. He was a bit on the chubbier side, but it went well with the kind of bubbly person he seemed to be. "And who do you have with you?" he asked, coming to a stop in front of us. The guy eyed me excitedly.

"This right here is my friend Emil from school," Mathias explained, clapping a hand onto my shoulder. He seemed so proud to have me around with him. Was he really proud, or was it a show? Did he really like me as a person?

"Hello, Emil!" the guy excitedly greeted. "I'm Tino! It's so nice to meet you!"

"It's nice to meet you as well," I answered, feeling my phone buzz in my pocket. My hand went for it, only to see it was a text from Leon, asking where the hell I was. I ignored it and slipped my phone back into my pocket, hoping Mathias hadn't noticed.

"What would you like?" Tino asked. "Or I could try and guess your preference?"

"Oh, do that!" Mathias encouraged. He turned to me. "Tino has never been wrong yet! He's great at guessing what people like!"

Since Mathias seemed so excited, I couldn't refuse. "Sure, go for it," I told Tino. "Guess what I like."

And the thing is, he got it perfect.

.

"Dude, like, where have you been?" Leon asked as I met up with him in the hallway after first period. "Something seems off about you." He stared me up and down as if he were seeing a ghost and not a happy, butterfly-feeling Emil who was completely smitten with a senior on the soccer team.

I had said goodbye to Mathias in the parking lot and thanked him for a great morning before running to the school to meet up with Leon. He told me he had something to do real quick anyway and that he'd see me around. My heart felt lighter than air as I ran to the school. Everything about that morning was so perfect.

"What seems off?" I demanded, looking over at my best friend. "There's nothing wrong about me. I just had a great morning is all."

"You seem lovestruck," Leon answered. "Something happened, didn't it? And that's why you were late to school." He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the hallway traffic and by the lockers before looking me in the eye. "Who did you fuck?" he demanded. "My little Emil is growing up and I demand to know who you lost your virginity to."

"The Danish Pastry House," I sarcastically answered. "That's legit where I was. I was eating breakfast."

"That must've been some orgasmic breakfast or something," Leon commented, leading us back into the flow of the hallway, only for me to be walking next to Lukas.

"Rumor has it that you skipped study hall," he simply said to me, staring me down with his sapphire eyes. And there went my good mood. "Do it again, and I'm going to let Mom and Dad know, got it? You're lucky I covered for you." With that, he stormed off down the hallway.

Lukas was student body president, so it was easy for him to cover for students. But then again, how did he know that I was specifically not there unless someone like Leon had tipped him off. That was weird. No one else would've known that I wasn't there, and it wouldn't have been in the school computers for Lukas to see until after.

"Did you tell him I wasn't here?" I asked Leon, shooting him a glance. If he had betrayed me to my brother….

"Why would I do something like that?" Leon asked, giving me a look of hurt and betrayal. "Your brother is a douche. I would never do something like that to you."

"Good," I answered before heading off to class.

Just as I rounded the corner to a staircase, I saw Mathias. I was about to call out to him, but then I saw something that seemed strange to me. Lukas was talking to him, and smiling. It was so weird. I had never seen Lukas smile like that before.

A knot formed in my stomach as I watched Mathias lean against a locker all cool-like. No. No, this can't be happening. There was no way! I took off running up the stairs and to the nearest bathroom. Why did Lukas have to have everything?


	2. Chapter 2

All throughout the first half of my school day, I tried to convince myself that Lukas and Mathias were just friends. They were just talking like me and Leon do, I told myself. But even I couldn't believe that load of bullshit. Why was life so cruel as to introduce me to the person of my dreams and then have him dashed away by my brother?

"Yo, Em!" I heard Leon say as he shook me. "It's lunch time. Let's, like, go eat and shit like that." I must've looked pretty pathetic when I looked up at him because he said, "What the hell is wrong with you? You're all sad and shit. That doesn't really make any sense because you had such a great morning and now you're this."

I groaned loudly. "Oh, my God, Leon, shut up," I said to him in mid-groan. Stretching, I sighed and got up. "And it's nothing. Just don't worry about it." I threw my backpack over my shoulder and stormed on ahead. "Let's just go."

Leon followed after me and sighed. "Wait up!" He picked up his pace and caught up with me. "Come on, don't be that way. What happened to change your mood so drastically?"

I stopped, causing him to run into me and nearly knock me down. "Lukas," I growled. "He gets everything. Everything that makes me happy is suddenly his. That's what it is." My fists clenched as I realized how truly hurt I was by this. "I fucking hate my brother."

"Well that's obvious, but what did he do this time?" Leon asked. "All I know is that he covered for you this morning when you skipped class." He shrugged. "Doesn't sound that bad to me."

I shook my head. "You wouldn't understand, Leon." It was then that I realized I had never once told him about Mathias or any details of the amazing morning I had spent with him. "You just really wouldn't. It's not like you would understand what it's like to have your brother take everything that you love away from you."

"What are you talking about?" Leon asked. "What did Lukas take away? That's what I'm not getting."

Once more, I shook my head. "Just forget it, Leon. It's stupid, and it doesn't mean anything to me anymore."

Right as I said that, I looked up and quite literally ran directly into Mathias. I bounced off of him and almost hit the floor before he grabbed my arm and smiled at me, helping me back to my feet. Dammit, Mathias! Not now! I'm supposed to be mad at you!

"Woah, hey Emil!" he greeted, smiling widely. "Funny running into you here. I was just on my way to calculus." Even though I was on my feet and balanced, he still didn't let go of me. His hand just kinda lingered on my arm. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," I grumbled at him, snatching my arm back and brushing myself off.

His expression changed from bright and happy to confused and hurt. "What's going on? Are you mad at me about something?" He was quiet for a moment as he thought. "I don't understand why you're so mad at me, though."

I shook my head. "You wouldn't understand either," I simply said before storming off toward the cafeteria, leaving Mathias and Leon in the dust. My heart was aching at just the sight of Mathias.

Heavy footsteps followed after me, which confused me because Leon was always light on his feet like a little ninja. So when I turned around to see Mathias coming after me, I froze in place. Why was he coming? I wasn't Lukas. There was no need for him to come and chase after me when I was upset, yet here he was, loping down the hall after me.

"What?" I asked him, turning around. "What more could you possibly want?"

"I thought we had fun this morning," Mathias said, hurt. "What's going on now? I don't understand why you're mad at me. I didn't do anything as far as I know." He frowned at me. "Please just tell me what I did."

"Just tell me one thing," I slowly said. "How close are you to Lukas Bondevik?"

Mathias's expression changed to complete shock. "W-Why would you ask me about Lukas?" he stammered. "I don't understand. What does he have to do with any of this?" He stared at me for a moment. "Wait a minute…"

"What?" I asked him, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Are you jealous of Lukas?" he asked. His eyes held a twinkle of amusement in them. "I mean, Lukas and I have been talking for about six months, ever since he came into The Danish Pastry House for the first time. You could say things are getting a little more serious. I really like him."

And just like that, my heart shattered in my chest, the shards of it cutting my insides. My whole body went numb. There was no way in hell that I could recover gracefully from this. Everything hurt. I could barely breathe. All I wanted was to melt down into the cracks of the floor and never be heard from again. People were staring at us.

"Then go be happy," I snarled at him before turning and storming back toward the cafeteria. This time, Mathias didn't follow.

.

That day after school, I locked myself in my room. My dad was already gone at work, and my mom was in the shower. Lukas was probably at The Danish Pastry House, laughing it up and having a good time with everyone there. I just wished that I could be a part of it, but without Lukas there.

There was a knock on my door and I turned to face it. "Who is it, and what is your business?" I asked. I really didn't like people bothering me when I was moping. That was my time, and I didn't want it to be interrupted.

"I'm heading out to work, Emil," my mother called through the door. "I love you!"

"Yeah, whatever," I said back, burying my face into my pillow. I knew she only said that because she wanted to seem like a good mother. Time after time, she always demanded to know why I couldn't just be like my brother. And that hurt more than anything in the world. Nothing hurt more than being compared to my brother, the one person in the world whom I despised more than anything. That's why I couldn't tell her I loved her back. Because I didn't. I couldn't. Not after she wished I could be another Lukas.

I heard her sigh and walk away. She knew she had messed up with me, begging me to be someone I wasn't. It was a burned bridge that could never be rebuilt.

I laid on my bed for quite awhile before I heard footsteps going up the stairs to Lukas's room. There were muffled voices as well. That was weird. Lukas never brought anyone home. I pressed my ear to my door to listen, considering that they would have to pass my room to get to Lukas's.

"I'm really good with kids," a voice that I couldn't quite place enthused. "Come on, let me meet your kid brother."

"No way in hell," Lukas snapped at him. "Because then he'll probably bug us and we'll be stuck entertaining him. Now keep your voice down. I don't know if he's home or not. And if he's home, he's in the room coming up to the left."

"I'm sure he's not that bad," the voice said. "I've always wanted a kid brother. You're so lucky, Lukas."

"Not in the slightest," Lukas scoffed. "My brother is awful. He's boring and depressing and hangs out with weird people."

"Depressing?" the voice asked. "How so?"

"He always looks sad, now will you shut up? We're right outside of his room!"

I heard one set of footsteps stop outside of my door and my heart began to race. Was this stranger going to open the door to my bedroom and look inside? He had better not, or I would have to explain to my mom why Lukas was dead.

"Just let me say hi at least," the voice said. "I want to know my boyfriend's family."

Boyfriend?! Lukas was gay?! I had no idea! But the guy outside the door didn't sound like Mathias at all. Could it be Mathias? I had to open the door. I just had to.

I inched the door open so only one of my eyes was exposed. "Can I help you?" I asked. It was then that I saw him in the flesh, Mathias, standing outside of my bedroom door.

"Now you've done it," Lukas groaned. "Close your door, Emil."

"Wait, Emil?!" Mathias asked. He shoved my door open and stared at me. "You're Lukas's brother?!" His eyes widened and he looked from me to my brother and back again. "I don't understand. You two can't be related. You can't."

"Yeah, Lukas Bondevik is my tool of an older brother," I huffed at Mathias. "Now fuck off." I made an attempt to close my door again, but Mathias blocked it. "Get the hell out of my room!"

"This doesn't make any sense to me," Mathias said. "How are you two brothers?"

"Our parents had two sons," Lukas answered. "So can we just get going now, Mat?" He had his arms folded over his chest in impatience. "We're wasting study time, and if you want to be on the soccer team this year, your grades need some drastic improvement."

Mathias stared at me for a moment. "You're really his brother?" he asked, voice sounding softer than before.

"Are you really that fucking shocked?" I demanded. "Go have fun on your stupid study date." I went to shut my door again, but the damn guy had his foot in it again. "What do you want now?"

"This doesn't change the fact that we're friends," he told me. "We can still be friends, Emil. And we can still spend first period together at The Danish Pastry House."

Lukas's jaw dropped. "No, he can't! He has school!"

"Study hall," I grumbled. "Which I don't even have to show up for anyway." I looked to Mathias. "Fine, I'll be friends with you, I guess."

Mathias smiled widely. "Awesome. Well, I need to hit the books," he said, blushing. "I'll meet you tomorrow morning, same place we met this morning, got it?"

"Yeah, sure," I said before closing my door. I couldn't help but feel my heart flutter when I closed my door. But that whole feeling when away when I realized that Mathias and Lukas weren't really studying. I could hear them from my room. And it disgusted me.


	3. Chapter 3

Not going to lie, I felt a little awesome rebelling against Lukas with the help of his own boyfriend. It had been over a month now, and every morning, I went to The Danish Pastry House with Mathias. Lukas would join us on weekends, giving me looks to go away, but I was having too much fun with even just existing to leave him alone.

Ever since Mathias realized how he had hurt my feelings, he was desperately trying to spend just as much time with me as he was with my brother, and it was great! Lukas was getting so pissed off at me for it, but I didn't care. It made me happy to know that Mathias was a good friend to me. And that me and him had so much in common.

"Emil, you're a pretty cool dude," Mathias said to me one time as me, him, and Lukas sat in the living room and played video games. "You're seriously becoming one of my best friends."

I saw Lukas's grip on his controller tighten as I said, "Thanks, Mat. So are you." When I smiled at him, Lukas looked about to snap. But the best thing about it was that he couldn't snap in front of Mathias like that, not without looking like a jerk. It was so easy to piss Lukas off, and I got to push any buttons I wanted whenever Mathias was around.

"Just remember whose boyfriend you are," Lukas commented, pressing furiously on the buttons on his controller as his character chased mine, raining gunfire on him.

Mathias smiled and kissed Lukas's cheek. "As if I could ever forget that I'm dating the guy of my dreams," he teased.

My heart sunk in my chest. Why couldn't he be saying sweet shit like that to me? It wasn't fair! I clenched my controller tightly, noticing Lukas's eyes on my hands. I knew he had me right where he wanted me. I fell into this trap constantly, and it really sucked. But seriously, Mathias should be my boyfriend, not his.

"Gross, get a room," I commented to Mathias, which made him laugh. I was going for that. I didn't actually want them to leave my sight. Having Mathias in my sight meant that I was going to be treated fairly and nicely.

"After this round, we just might," Mathias answered, making eyes at Lukas, which my brother returned, much to my disgust and dismay.

"You make me sick," I laughed, dodging Lukas's character's attacks to mine.

"Aren't you asexual, or something?" Lukas asked me. "You don't even like kinky bedroom shit anyway."

My brother did make a valid point there. Though I was told I was really good-looking and all that kind of shit, I had never actually had sex before. Not because I was disgusted by it, but because it didn't interest me in the least. I would rather be doing shit like this with my significant other. I'd rather get to know them other than their body.

"Wait, you're asexual?" Mathias asked me. "That's pretty cool." He gave me a quick thumbs-up and killed an enemy. "I've never really understood exactly what it is."

"He'd rather play video games than have sex," Lukas answered. "He'd rather do just about anything than have sex."

"Don't you know what you're missing out on, Emil?" Mathias asked me. "Sex is great!"

My cheeks flushed. "I don't really have an interest is all. It's not that I'm repulsed by it." Hearing Mathias talk to me about sex was awkward, especially considering who his sexual partner was at the time. "Maybe when I find the right person, I'll do it."

"Saving yourself then?" Mathias asked.

"Yeah, sure, something like that," I said. And that was when Lukas's character sniped me and ended the round.

.

"What's so great about sex anyway?" I asked Leon, grumbling to him the next day in English class. "It's just stupid."

"I don't know, it could be fun." Leon was a virgin like me, and everyone knew it. Although Leon was actually really attractive, no one understood why he was single. He always said he was "waiting for his special someone to notice him". Whatever that meant. "Never know if you never try."

"Yeah, but who would I try it with?" I asked, feeling awkward. "I can't exactly try it with a friend, because my only friend is you." I placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're hot, but you're just not my type."

"At least I'm hot," Leon laughed to me, though something about his expression didn't seem genuine. "I've got that much going for me." He gave me a wink and a thumbs-up, strange expression already changed. "So who are you going to fuck to find out what it's like?"

"Damn, Leon, don't just say it like that," I grumbled. "You make it sound so dirty or whatever. It's like you have no tact or class at all when it comes to the subject."

"Sex is classy?" Leon asked.

"When done properly, it could be," I defended.

"Let me know how classy it is when you 'do the sex' then," Leon laughed before our teacher came over to shush us. "Sorry, ma'am," he apologized, still snickering under his breath.

"Laugh it up, Leon, but at least I'll probably lose my virginity before you do," I commented to him. That much was true. As much of a ladykiller Leon was, girls terrified him. He was honestly scared of girls and always got super nervous around them because they had "boobs and shit like that". I don't even understand Leon half the time.

"Oh yeah?" Leon asked. "Want to make that into a bet?"

I gulped. "N-Not really," I quickly said, backing down. "I was just stating a fact." I crossed my arms over my chest. "We both know that you're afraid of girls."

"But who said sex had to be between a guy and a girl only?" Leon asked. "I mean, that's not the way your brother does it."

"Leave Lukas out of this," I grumbled at him. "And fine, but you still wouldn't do it. I know you." I smiled as the bell rang, quickly getting up and leaving.

"Get back here, Steilsson!" I heard Leon call to me. "I'm not done with you yet!"

Oh, but I was done with him at the time.

.

The next morning, I was sitting with Mathias at The Danish Pastry House while waiting for coffee when I suddenly turned to him. "You're in love with Lukas, aren't you?" I asked. "Even though he's a total jerk?"

"He's not a total jerk," Mathias answered. "He's actually a very caring person. And think of it this way. He covers for you with no problems at all. I think he really does care about you, Emil. You just don't see it."

"Then why can't he openly care about me?" I asked. "It's been like this since we were kids, Mat. He's always given me the cold shoulder. He always made sure I was at least one step behind him. Every time I enjoyed something, he made sure to make it into something I hated."

Mathias frowned. "Let's not talk about Lukas like this," he suggested. "We have differing opinions on him, and I know one of us will end up getting upset."

Damn him and his ability to think logically when it came to my feelings on Lukas! I wanted to rant about and vent to him about Lukas, but how could I? It's not like he would ever believe it. I mean, I could rant and vent to Leon, but he's heard it all a billion times. I wanted to rant to someone new. And besides, what ever happened to Mathias thinking Lukas was a tool?

"Fine," I sighed as Tino walked over with my coffee.

"You look down, Emil," Tino said with a smile. "I hope you get to feeling better soon!" He then turned and walked back into the kitchen.

Mathias smiled at me in a sympathetic way. "It's hard to spend time with me, isn't it? Because I'm dating your brother?"

"It is," I finally answered. "I thought that for once I had found someone who would understand and listen to me. Someone who would be on my side. I knew you were too good to be true."

"Emil, I am on your side," Mathias said. "But I'm on Lukas's as well. I'm a neutral party."

"But when it all comes down to it, you'll pick Lukas in a heartbeat," I scoffed. "We both know it." Why was I getting so huffy and upset over this? It wasn't like this was new to me, especially regarding Mathias.

"Why do you hate your brother so much?" Mathias asked.

"If he was your brother, you would hate him, too," I answered before sipping at my coffee. "You would hate being told, 'Why can't you be more like your brother?' and things of that nature. It's not fair. I don't see a damn thing wrong with who I am, but apparently there are all sorts of things wrong according to my mom."

"What about your dad?" he asked me. "Doesn't his opinion matter?"

"He doesn't even talk to me anymore," I answered. "He's too busy with work and the like." I sighed and set my coffee down. This wasn't exactly the conversation I wanted to have this morning but was stuck having. "I hate Lukas because I'm always being told to be him by everyone around me. Like, why am I not good enough? Why can't I be good enough? It's not fair."

"You're good enough to me," Mathias told me, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Doesn't my opinion matter?"

"But I'm not good enough to you," I told him, feeling my emotions rising in my chest and beginning to choke me. "I'm not."

"What makes you say that?" Mathias asked me, cocking his head to the side.

"Because if I was good enough, you would be dating me, not my brother," I said. Surprised at my sudden confession to Mathias, I jumped up from my seat, abandoning my coffee and Mathias, and ran out the door. I had to get away from there. I couldn't face Mathias. I just couldn't do it. I had to run to school or home. I didn't care where. I just needed to get away. And now.


	4. Chapter 4

I could hear Mathias running after me, but I needed to keep running. I needed to get away. He had longer legs, so I knew he would catch up to me sooner or later, but for now, I needed to keep running.

"Emil!" I heard him call out to me. "Emil, stop! Just let me talk to you!"

That caused the adrenaline in my body to kick in and help me run faster. There was no way I was going to turn around or slow down enough to talk to him. I needed to get away from him, didn't he see that? I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to be alone.

Mathias tackled me into a grassy field on the side of the road. "Emil, what is wrong with you?" he panted, pinning me down. "Didn't you hear me yelling for you? Why didn't you stop?"

"Because it doesn't make a difference!" I spat at him. "It doesn't make one bit of a difference whether I stop or not! You'll still be Lukas's boyfriend, and I'll still be his stupid younger brother!" I began squirming, but he didn't release me. "It's not fair that Lukas gets to be happy all the time when I don't!"

"You're not happy?" Mathias asked me. "That's what this is about? What would make you happy?" He had caught his breath by this point and was staring at me with such intensity that I felt naked in front of him.

"Why does it matter?" I asked as I stopped struggling against him. "You can't do shit for me, and you know it, Mathias."

"I can try," he said with a shrug. "After all, you have no idea the things I'm capable of."

"You're not capable of loving me the way you love Lukas," I stated, feeling my heart shatter all over again, "so no, you're not capable of helping me."

"What if I helped you find someone to love?" he asked, grinning at me.

"Not happening." I rolled my eyes, this conversation becoming far too painful for me. "Our tastes are obviously way too different for that to work." More than anything, I just wanted to go home, but I doubted Mathias would let me. "Look, can we talk about this another time? I really just want to go home."

"But we have school," Mathias said, confused.

"I don't feel well all of a sudden," I lied. "Just let me go home." I averted my eyes, refusing to make contact with him. "Please, Mathias. If you want to do something for me, just let me go home and recover from all of this by myself."

Mathias looked torn for a few moments. "Are you sure you'll be okay if I let you do that?"

"Positive," I sighed. "Just get off of me."

And he did just that. He even drove me home, too, telling me he'd check on me after school when he came over. In response, I got out of his car and shut the door a little harder than I actually wanted to, causing him to wince. I just couldn't help it, though. Why was everything so unfair?

I went to my room and flopped down onto my bed. How was I so emotionally exhausted and it wasn't even past ten in the morning yet? This was just ridiculous and pathetic. I didn't know what to think. I felt like some little middle school girl in a chick flick, crying over some guy that she couldn't have. Then I realized it. My whole life at this point was a fucking chick flick.

If I dissected it a little, Lukas would be the older brother that I was stuck in the shadow of, like some chick flicks begin, only with sisters. Lukas got the guy of my dreams. Now all I needed was a quirky best friend to fall in love with, and I was set to live the chick flick life.

Sure, I had a quirky best friend. Leon. But I have never even once thought of dating him. That would just be too weird for us. I mean, we knew everything about each other. There would be no "getting to know each other" shit for us to experience or anything like that, and that takes all of the fun out of dating anyway.

I sighed as I leaned back against my pillow and began dozing off. Let's just hope that my chick flick life resolved itself somehow, and not in the route where I dated Leon.

.

There was knocking on my door. I knew that much. I didn't know who was knocking, but I could only guess based on the way the person was knocking. They were knocking in a way that said, "Answer, or I'll never stop." I groaned and rubbed my eyes. It was noon. Had I really been asleep for almost two hours?

"What?" I griped through the door. "Who is it?"

"Me, you idiot," Leon's voice said through the door. "Now unlock your door and let me in. I know I didn't fake sick just to get locked out of your room."

I groaned and got up. "Who told you I was sick?" I asked, opening my bedroom door.

Leon walked in like he owned the place and sat on my bed. "It's obvious that you are 'sick' because you weren't at school. Now, I just know you're faking. So what happened to make you fake sick and come home?"

I groaned and locked my door again. "Does it even matter?" Making my way over to my couch, I flopped down onto it like I had with my bed earlier. "It's stupid and doesn't even make sense anymore, but it made perfect sense at the time."

"Was it because you didn't want to see Lukas and his boyfriend today?" Leon asked. For being the way he was, he was actually pretty perceptive.

"It wasn't that I didn't want to see his boyfriend," I slowly said. "I'm just sick of my brother's dumb fucking face." I groaned and put the couch pillow over my face. "Lukas is literally everywhere these days. Everywhere I go, there he is."

"Then why don't you stop going places where he would be?" my best friend suggested. "I mean, you keep torturing yourself with Mathias. I see you doing it all the time. Why not just give up and accept the fact that he's with Lukas? It's not like you can change that."

"Shut up," I snapped, throwing the pillow at him.

Leon dodged it. "So that is what this is about. You're in love with your brother's boyfriend, and you can't accept the fact that he loves Lukas more than you."

"In case you have forgotten, fucking everyone loves Lukas more than me! I just thought he'd be different!" My heart was aching in my chest once more as I thought of the times I had seen Mathias and Lukas kiss, the times I had heard them up in my brother's bedroom, and the many dates I had third-wheeled on because Mathias didn't want me to be home alone. "But I was wrong! I was terribly, horribly wrong! Mathias isn't any different from the next guy on the street! No one ever will be because everyone loves Lukas more than me! That's all there is to it!"

He was quiet for a moment as he sat on my bed. "You know, not all people prefer Lukas to you. Not everyone likes the way Lukas stares with those cold, blue eyes. Some people like seeing life in someone's eyes, like you have." Leon looked down into his lap as if he were nervous. "I know people who like you more."

"Well unless if you can give me names, they don't count," I stated. And when he didn't answer or argue, I said, "That's what I thought, Leon. You're too concerned about confidentiality of fake people."

"Fake?" Leon asked. "I'm fake?" He looked up at me, glaring daggers. "Since when am I fake when I've been one of the only real people in your life?! If anyone is fake, it's Mathias! He has been leading you on every morning, buying you breakfast and all that shit! What is he trying to prove, huh?! That he's a jerk!"

"Don't talk about him like you know him!" I snapped. "You don't know Mathias the way that I do, so keep your mouth shut, Leon!"

By that point, Leon was fuming. "He's leading you on! He has been this whole time! He's being all nice to you, but guess what, he'll never date you! Wanna know why?! Because he loves Lukas! He loves Lukas, and not you!"

I put my hands over my ears. "Shut up, Leon!" I couldn't listen to him. I couldn't let myself. If he was going to keep going, I knew that I was going to cry. This was bad. "Just shut up!"

"Mathias doesn't care about you, but guess what! There's someone who does! Why can't you see the people that actually do care about you instead of waiting on your stupid Prince Charming, who is dating your brother?!" Leon roses to his feet and walked over to me. "Look at me, Emil! Look at me right now!"

My eyes flittered up to him and he was staring at me with the same intensity that Mathias had been staring at me with earlier. It made me uncomfortable. I didn't want Leon looking at me like that.

"I've been here this whole fucking time! I've stuck by your side through thick and thin! I have done everything for you!" Leon had tears in his eyes. I wondered where he was going with this. "I'll be damned if I lose to some Danish pretty boy who is dating your brother!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked, completely lost.

Leon grabbed my arms and pulled me up with him. We stood roughly around the same height, me being a couple inches taller than him, but that didn't matter at that moment. His eyes held a weird expression in them that I didn't quite understand.

"Why can't you see what's right in front of your stupid, fucking face?" Leon asked me. "Why can't you see the people who actually care about you instead of someone who will only hurt you?"

Suddenly, he grabbed me by my waist and pulled me in and kissed me. I was too shocked to really do anything, but I could almost taste the angst in the kiss. It was insane. I didn't even know that angst would have a taste, but I could feel and nearly taste it.

When Leon pulled away, I saw a hint of regret on his face as he quietly said, "You were the special someone all along. Why couldn't you see that?"

"Leon?" I asked. "What the hell?"

"Just don't talk about this to anyone," he said with a deep sigh. "This never happened." Then he turned and left my room, leaving me stunned.

For real, though. What had seriously just happened?


	5. Chapter 5

As I sat in my room that afternoon, all I really wanted to do was take a scrubbing brush to my lips. Anything to rid them of Leon! I had already brushed my teeth three times since he had left, but I could still taste the angst in his kiss. Was that the kind of taste that never went away? It really bugged me. Honestly, I hated how angst tasted, so why was I stuck on it?

I sighed as I heard the front door open and shut. Lukas was home, and he most likely brought Mathias with him. Careful not to make the floor creak, I tiptoed over to my bedroom door and locked it so Mathias couldn't enter. He was the last person I wanted to see, especially after all of the shit that Leon had said. Dammit, why was I still thinking about Leon?!

There was a knock at my door, which made me hold my breath. There was no fucking way I would answer it. I didn't care if it was even the President of the United States. He'd have to come back another time, because I wasn't taking anyone's shit today! That was for damn sure!

"Emil, are you in there?" I heard Mathias ask. "I'm just checking on you since you got sick before school."

"Yeah, sick of all your bullshit," I grumbled softly.

After trying to open the door, Mathias lowered his voice. "Are you still mad at me? Come on, let me in. We can talk about this. Lukas is downstairs. It's just us right now."

As much as I wanted to let him in, I knew I needed to remain stubborn. It was for my own good. I couldn't bend so easily to Mathias's will. I needed to stay mad at him for awhile, just like I was planning on doing with Leon. Why was it easier to do with Leon?

"Emil, please," he said through the door. I could hear the pleading in his voice, but I refused to let myself fall for it. "I don't want our mornings together to end. They're a lot of fun, and you know you can't deny that. I enjoy listening to you talk about your hopes and aspirations. I know they'll all happen because you're determined. Honestly, I can see your determination right now by the way you're pretending to ignore me, but I know you're taking in every word I say. You want to know how I know? It's because of what you told me this morning." He sighed loudly. "I knew this would probably happen, so I wrote out some things I wanted to say to you." There was a crinkling noise as Emil saw a folded paper appear through the crack under his door and shove its way into his room. "I'll talk to you later, I guess."

As soon as I was certain Mathias was gone, I quietly scrambled over to the piece of paper and unfolded it. He had such neat handwriting, so it was easy to read. And as I read it, my heart pounded in my chest with every word. It read:

Dear Emil,

I've thought a lot about what you said to me this morning. The truth is, I don't know what it is that I like about Lukas. I just like him. I can't pretend that I don't. He's like a mystery that I want to solve, or something like that. I've never been good at explaining things like this.

But you truly opened my eyes today about a lot of things. If I'm honest, I would say I'm rather fond of you. Why else would I want to include you in everything? I don't know what my feelings about you entail, but all I'm sure of is that you're extremely important to me and I wouldn't be able to bear losing you. I don't know if that means I like you the way I like Lukas. I'm always just so unsure of myself.

I just hope you read this and not shred it. Anyway, I'm here if you ever need to talk about this.

-Mathias

I blinked a few times in shock. What did this mean? Mathias liked me? But that was impossible! There was no way it could be true! My heart was soaring in my chest. My head was in the clouds. He was fond of me, and I was important to him! Mathias wouldn't be able to bear losing me! There was a possibility that he liked me too!

My head was spinning, so I quickly sat down to process all of it. Leon was wrong. Mathias really does care! I could feel my heart pounding hard against my rib cage, making me feel as if I were about to have a heart attack. Why was he just always full of surprises? But then one thing bothered me about this. Why couldn't Mathias just make up his mind?

.

The next morning, when I stepped out of my house, I saw Mathias's car. He didn't even meet me halfway like he usually did. I guessed that he really did want to talk. Though I was wary of it, I stepped up to the passenger's side of his car.

The window rolled down and I saw Mathias leaning over the middle console of the car. "You coming?" he asked, a hopeful smile on his face. He reminded me of a puppy, the way he looked so excited to see me.

"You're like a dog, you know," I told him, struggling not to smile. "A massive great dane."

Mathias howled with laughter. "Just get in the car."

I did as told and buckled my seatbelt. "How were you so sure that I was going to come with you this morning?" I asked as he pulled out of my driveway. "Like, what made you think we were going to breakfast this morning after the disaster that happened yesterday?"

"Well, you see, I figured you read my note that I wrote you," he began. "And I knew that if you read it, you were obviously curious about the contents of it." He chuckled to himself. "Also, this is kinda our thing. We always go on these morning dates with each other. Why would we stop now?"

I froze. Did he just say "dates"? Was that what he saw these as?

"You know, it's nice being able to do stuff with you without Lukas around sometimes. It helps me get to know the real you, the you who isn't stuck in his brother's shadow." Mathias smiled to himself as he watched the road. "Ever since your blow-up yesterday, I've been thinking a lot about what our relationship really is. I know for a fact that I don't see you as a little brother. That much is for sure." He took a deep breath and sighed. "My feelings for you are honestly complicated, and I don't know what to do."

"Complicated?" I asked. "What do you mean?"

"I've reached a point where I can't go a day without seeing you. Like, if I have to go a single day without talking to you, my day honestly doesn't seem complete. I mean, I'm to that point with Lukas as well. So does that mean I hold you in the same regard as Lukas? I'm not sure. That's what I'm so confused about." He sighed once more. "The way things ended between us yesterday didn't seem right. I wanted to tell you about these complicated feelings I've been having, but I just didn't know how you would respond. Hell, I still don't know how you'll respond because you've barely said a word."

I was quiet for a moment as we pulled into the parking lot of The Danish Pastry House. "Mathias, what is your plan of dealing with these feelings?" I asked. That was the only thing I was curious about, if I was honest. Now that he admitted he may have feelings for me, I was curious on what he planned to do about them.

"You know, I spent all night thinking about that," he admitted, putting his car in park and turning it off. "I'm not a cheater," he declared before leaning over the middle console and pressing his lips to mine.

Kissing Mathias was like a new euphoric feeling that I had never experienced before. I snaked my arms around his shoulders as his arms looped around my ribcage. This kiss was actually nice compared to Leon's. There was no anger, no angst; just pure intentions. This kiss made my heart feel as if it were going to bust through my ribcage at any moment. I began to feel light-headed, but the kiss still continued.

When Mathias finally pulled away, he had to catch his breath. His cheeks were flushed, though mine probably were as well. I couldn't help but notice the troubled look on his face.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

He quickly straightened up and smiled. "Nothing at all," he answered. "Just thinking about stuff."

"What kind of stuff?" I asked with a grin.

Mathias laughed. "Wouldn't you just like to know? Come on, let's go inside."

.

Leon and I awkwardly ran into each other in the hallway when I got to school. He just stared at me but didn't say anything. I had nothing to say either, so it was a pretty awkward silence. That was when he took initiative and walked away. Though I felt pretty bad about the silence, what was I supposed to even say to him? He's the one who did this to our friendship, not me. So why was I even feeling bad in the first place?

I walked toward my locker and caught a glimpse of Mathias talking to Lukas and leaning against his locker. My mouth twitched into a smirk. Little did Lukas know that those lips were mine this morning, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Leon was waiting for me at my locker when I got there. "What happened this morning? Something seems different about you, but I can't quite place it." He crossed his arms and leaned against my locker, blocking my access to it.

"Move, Leon," I stated, ignoring his question. "Nothing happened." I pushed him out of the way and proceeded to unlock my locker.

"Why are things so tense between us?" he demanded. "Why are you acting so weird around me?"

"Well, you only have yourself to blame for that," I answered, throwing my locker door open. I didn't even spare him a glance as I began gathering books for my first few classes and shoved them into my bag. "You made things weird. I can still taste the angst."

Leon turned bright red. "There wasn't any angst. I would know if there was."

"Oh, there was, Leon!" I barked at him, narrowing my eyes into a glare. "There was so much angst that I could barely breathe! All you did yesterday was think of yourself! You didn't give a damn about how I felt about it!"

"That's not true," he snarled through clenched teeth. "You need to forget about him, Emil. Nothing good will come out of it. He's just making things worse on the relationship between you and Lukas."

"And since when do I give a flying fuck about Lukas?" I demanded. "If you really want to help me, then stay out of it, Leon! I mean it!" And with that, I stormed off to class.


	6. Chapter 6

Two Weeks Later

Mathias hadn't kissed me again after that day, but I was content with it. After we had kissed that one time, I noticed that Lukas suddenly seemed more tense and that Mathias seemed slightly more distant. This made me happy because Lukas got frustrated with Mathias a lot more, and Mathias had started getting angry about it. And there I would be, in my bedroom, smiling to myself as I listened to their relationship fall apart.

"It's like I don't even fucking know you anymore!" I heard Lukas yell from the living room downstairs one night. "What happened to make you start acting this way?! What did I do wrong?!"

"For the last time, Lukas, it's nothing you did," Mathias replied. From my bedroom, I heard a floorboard in the kitchen squeak, letting me assume that Mathias had taken a step toward my brother. "I've just been preoccupied lately. We're graduating this year, and I still have no idea what I'm going to do with my future."

"Stop using that excuse with me!" Lukas shouted. "If you really were concerned about your future, then you would stop picking Emil up in the mornings and actually go to school to figure it out!"

"Sorry I'm not a huge fucking nerd like you! School isn't my sanctuary! I'm not on Student Council like you are! School stresses me out because it reminds me that I'm only as good as my athletic ability! I'm not smart at all, and the only way I can get a scholarship to college is from playing sports, unlike you! Do you know how annoying it is when you throw your Ivy League scholarships in my face?!" There was a deafening silence for a few moments. "I'm so stressed out and distant because I'm trying to figure out how we will even be able to see each other once we graduate."

Their voices had gotten significantly quieter, so I crept out of my room and sat on a step halfway down the stairs so I could hear them better. I knew that I had missed some of the conversation in doing so, but I didn't think it would matter.

"Why would you even bring him up like that?" Lukas suddenly growled at Mathias. "I'm the one you're dating, not my little brother. Where does Emil even fit into this equation, Mat?!" After nearly a minute of silence, my brother spoke again. "Mathias, I asked you a question."

Mathias's voice exploded out so loudly and suddenly that I flinched. "Well it's not like you care about anyone else but yourself, so I took it upon myself to care about Emil! You're so cold and indifferent to not only him, but your parents as well! Your mom started texting me two months ago so she could see how you were doing! For the love of God, pay more attention to your family, Lukas! You never know how long you have with them! Fuck! How is it that you're a genius, yet you're completely clueless about the important things that you can't learn from staring at books all day?!"

There was a loud thud and the soft squeak of the kitchen floorboards. From where I was sitting, I could hear Mathias breathing heavily and muttering in Danish. I could hear Lukas softly mumbling back, but I couldn't make out a single thing either of them were saying.

"Look, I'm sorry," my brother finally said. "I guess it just slipped my mind."

"I'm going to head home," Mathias stated. "I need to think about some stuff."

I could hear them shuffling around, so I decided to head back up to my room. Moments after I closed my door, I could hear Lukas silently walking up the stairs to his room. Only one thing seemed off about the situation. Mathias's car hadn't started outside yet. One quick peek outside my window told me everything I needed to know.

Mathias was sitting in his car, looking up at my window. Once he knew he had my attention, he got his phone out. My phone buzzed moments later. He had messaged me, asking if I wanted to go with him. I nodded out the window to him and shut off my light, heading silently down the stairs.

I silently left the house and got in Mathias's car. He didn't say anything as we left my driveway and drove off down the street. The silence between us was heavy, but not in an uncomfortable way. All I could tell was that when he finally spoke, it was going to be important.

He silently drove us out of town and down a dirt road. We pulled over next to a gigantic wall-ish cliff thing made of rock. Mathias got out of the car and sat on the hood of it, so I followed suit. We both looked up at the night sky, as if waiting for the other to speak up, but it was Mathias who finally broke the silence.

"I haven't even brought Lukas out here yet," he quietly said, eyes focused on the numerous constellations above us. Mathias took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I wish you had a better relationship with your family, Emil. It kills me that you and Lukas don't get along with each other, or even your parents. Family is so precious. You only get one, you know?" He opened his eyes and bitterly chuckled to himself. "Your mom worries about you and Lukas a lot. She texts me every day, asking me to update her on the two of you."

I hummed noncommittally. Part of me wanted to tell him that if my mother cared enough about me that she would check on me herself, but then I remembered that I don't even talk to her anymore. Before Mathias mentioned it, I even forgot my mom existed half the time and just assumed that it was the same for her.

"Believe it or not, but my family moved to this town a little over a year ago," he continued. His gaze drifted back up toward the sky. "I actually used to live in the house at the end of this road, but we only lived there for a month. My father didn't like the location, or how dangerous driving this road at night was. In fact, he'd kill me if he knew I was driving it tonight, especially with another person in the car."

The atmosphere around us was heavy, nothing like the usual bouncy and comfortable one. Mathias wasn't smiling like he usually was. He was uncharacteristically serious. Where Mathias's blue eyes always seemed to be smiling, they now seemed to look lost.

I put my hand on top of his hand that was resting on the hood of the car. "Hey, what's going on?" I slowly asked. "You're not your usual self tonight. Did something happen?"

"My parents and I moved to this town a little over a year ago," he repeated. "This was before Tino and Berwald got here, so it was just me, my mother, and my father. Things were great. We lived in a spacious farm house, had just opened up The Danish Pastry House, and I had just made varsity soccer after one week at my new high school." He smiled to himself, yet he still looked quite lost to the point of my wondering whether he remembered that I was there with him. "Our lives were perfect."

Mathias turned his head and nodded to a spot about ten feet ahead of us where the road turned sharply. Where there was grass lining the side of the roads all the way to where the rock was, there wasn't any at that part, not for twenty feet.

"Two weeks into our new lives here, my mother was late getting home," he continued. "She and I had argued over the phone that night about something so stupid, and me, being petty, told her that I didn't care if she made it home or not." His hand clenched into a tight fist. "About a half hour after I hung up with her, I heard sirens, which was weird since we were outside of town, so I hopped on my bike and began riding down the road."

The Danish boy next to me closed his eyes. "Ambulances, fire trucks, police cars, all of it, were all along this part of the road. There had been an accident, with two confirmed fatalities. One of them was my neighbor, whom they later discovered had been drunk." He slowly lifted his clenched fist and extended his index finger to point to the part of the road where there was no grass. "My mother's car was right there, but it didn't look like a car. It looked like a large pile of scrap metal." His voice choked as he said, "And she was the other fatality."

His words hit me like a slap to the face. I was at a loss for words as I just sat there and watched him attempt to hold himself together. There was nothing I could say to that. What was there to reply with?

"My father nearly went insane and had to be institutionalized for awhile, so Berwald and Tino came here to help take care of things," he continued after what felt like an eternity of solemn silence. "Now we all just run The Danish Pastry House together, just how my mother would have wanted it." Mathias took a deep breath. "Emil, please be kinder to your mother. She knows why you feel the way you do toward her. Just know she's trying."

Realizing that the topic had been switched over to my own mother, my eyes widened and I slowly nodded. "I'll start looking for more opportunities to talk to her," I quietly replied.

Mathias silently nodded to himself. "I bet she would like that," he mused. He then turned and looked me in the eye. "I'm sorry for talking to you about all this tonight. It's just, Lukas and I have been arguing a lot lately, and I didn't want to come out here alone." His eyes shifted back to the sky and he sighed. "I'm worried that we might break up. Things just keep getting more and more complicated between us, and it's starting to scare me. Like, what am I supposed to do while he goes off to some Ivy League college? I'll more than likely be here, working at my parents' shop. It'll make me seem like such a loser to his Ivy League buddies."

"I don't think you're a loser, Mat," I countered. "School isn't everything, no matter how firmly Lukas believes that. You'll go on to do great things after you graduate, even if they're different from the things my stupid brother will be doing. Everyone is great in their own way."

"You really think so?" Mathias asked, though I couldn't tell if he was being rhetorical, so I didn't respond. "Emil, this is why I brought you out here with me. You see things from a different perspective than Lukas does. Maybe I just needed to hear you reassure me that everything was going to be okay after graduation as well." He turned and smiled to me for the first time that night, looking more and more like his usual self by the second. "If I stay and work in the shop after graduation, are you still going to come see me every morning?"

"As if you would even need to ask that," I sighed, smiling. "You know I would. It's become like a sixth sense to me. My day seems off if I don't go to The Danish Pastry House in the morning."

Mathias chuckled. "That's good." His smile suddenly looked pained. "I have a lot to think about at this point," he said, cheerful tone sounding forced. "Life just keeps throwing me those curveballs, you know?" He rested his hands on the hood behind him and used them to support himself as he leaned back to admire the night sky. "God, I hope everything makes sense in the end."

"It will," I said, looking back at him. He seemed so innocent as he gazed up at the sky like that. If he hadn't told me about his mother when we got here, I never would have guessed he had any pain at all in his life. "And if it doesn't make sense, then it's not the end."

"You know," he replied, sitting back up, "you're absolutely right." He laughed up at the sky. "All I need to do is just figure some stuff out and it will all go great from there!" Once more, Mathias fell silent. "But I don't know what the first step is to figuring things out."

"Do you need help?" I asked.

Mathias suddenly turned his full attention to me, looking at me as if I had just magically appeared before him after years of being lost. His expression was hard to read for a moment, but I quickly understood the moment his lips crashed into mine. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer as our lips devoured each other's.

Everything about what was going on at that moment was so wrong considering that he was dating my older brother, yet it was so right because I was certain that I loved him. His hands felt their way up my sides and eventually cupped my cheeks during our short burst of affection.

It ended as quickly as it had begun, leaving both of us breathless. As he caught his breath, his eyes never stopped studying me. It were almost as if he believed I would disappear if he were to glance away for even one second. Once he finally caught his breath, he looked me in the eyes and told me something I would never forget.

"Emil, I think I'm in love with you."


	7. Chapter 7

I threw all plans of sleeping out the window once I finally got home that night. Mathias and I had kissed a little more before he drove me back home. His words from earlier echoed in my head as I laid down. "Emil, I think I'm in love with you." It was such a simple sentence, yet that sentence held so much hope for me that it had me awake all night.

The next morning, before Mathias came to pick me up, I encountered my mom in the kitchen. She was nursing a black coffee as Lukas down his own. I waited for Lukas to leave for school before sitting down across the table from her. Yet once I was sitting across from her, I couldn't figure out what to say. Mathias had told me to pay more attention to my mom, but I had no idea where to begin with that.

Mom finally looked up across the table at me. Her eyes widened as if she were surprised to see me there. "Emil, good morning," she said after a moment. "Do you have a ride to school?"

"Yeah," I slowly answered, cursing myself for not being able to think of anything else to say. "How awful was your shift last night? You look like you're going to have trouble sleeping."

She blinked at me from across the table. "I have some bills to pay before I can even think about sleeping today, hence the coffee," she explained, nodding to the mug in her left hand. Her eyes looked tired, but not like a working-all-night tired. It was more of a life-is-getting-to-be-too-much tired.

"Why can't you ask Dad to pay the bills?" I asked her. "You look exhausted."

Mom stiffened a bit. "It's fine," she bitterly stated. "I can handle it." Her hand shook as she picked her mug up, flinging scalding hot coffee all over the kitchen table. She didn't even seem to notice when some of it splashed out onto her own hand.

"Hey, are you okay?" I cautiously asked. Though I didn't communicate much with my mom, something didn't seem right about her at that moment. She suddenly tensed up at the mention of my dad. "What's going on?"

She heaved out a heavy sigh. "I guess I should probably let you in on it since Lukas already knows," she groaned. "Your father isn't here anymore, Emil. He hasn't been here for over a week, though it's not surprising that you didn't notice." Her voice was bitter and hateful as she said those words. It were almost as if she were calling me out and hoping that her words would hurt me. "There was another woman, and I guessed he prefered her over his wife and two sons. Wonderful, isn't it? Now I have to bust my ass at my job to make sure that we can stay in our house on our own and to pay for Lukas's college fees that his scholarships won't cover. This is a fucking nightmare."

I didn't know what to say. How could I even begin to reply to something like that? Though I knew I was the less-desirable son, hearing her say things like that with my own two ears hurt more than I thought it would. How could I ever get closer to this woman like Mathias hoped I could if she was going to be like this? It was impossible! What was I supposed to do to win her over? What if I was too late to ever have an even semi-decent relationship with my own mother? What then?

As those questions swam through my head, I heard Mathias pull up outside. Saying a quick farewell to my mom, he ran out the door and hopped into his car. All of the tension I was feeling, and the stress of what my mom had told me, all faded away as we left my driveway. Instead my shit brain went back to being stuck on only one thing.

"Emil, I think I'm in love with you."

I was so distracted that I couldn't even hear Mathias talking to me until about a block and a half later. Startled, I turned toward him. "Huh? What were you saying? Sorry, I had a lot on my mind for a moment."

"Everything okay?" Mathias asked, putting his car in reverse and backing out of my driveway. He placed his hand on the back of my seat as he twisted his body to look behind him as he reversed, making my heart pound wildly in my chest.

The way he acted as if nothing had happened the night before made me feel uneasy. How could he be so calm after we made out in the backseat of this very car for over an hour, not even twelve hours ago? It felt unfair that my heart was racing in my chest and he was able to remain calm through everything. What was wrong with me?

"Emil?" my driver asked. "Emil, you there? We've reached The Danish Pastry House."

I shook my head and blinked my eyes a few times to re-orientate myself. What he had said was correct. We were in the parking lot of our usual morning destination. My heart was still rapidly beating as I looked up at the man in the driver's seat. There were so many things I wanted to say at that moment, but no words would come out of my mouth. What the hell was wrong with me?

"Hey, are you sure you're okay?" he asked me. "You don't seem like yourself this morning. Did something happen?" He cocked his head to the side in concern, reminding me of a puppy. His big, blue eyes suddenly widened with worry. "Lukas didn't find out about last night, did he?"

Just the suggestion of that sent a chill of terror down my spine. "No!" I quickly exclaimed. "No way!" Calming down from the shock of his question, I finally managed to regain my ability to speak. "It's not that," I assured. "There's just some stupid stuff going on at home. I tried talking to my mom like you suggested last night, and she dropped a heavy bomb on me this morning." After taking a deep breath to calm myself, I continued. "My dad left us."

Mathias's eyes were wider than before. "Oh, my God," he mumbled to himself. "That explains a lot." He frowned. "That must be why Lukas has been so upset lately."

I watched as he talked to himself for a couple minutes about his theories about Lukas's shit attitude. It's a shame he never came to the conclusion that my brother is just a shitty person, because I swear that's really what it all comes down to. My heart tightened more and more with every passing second that he talked to himself about Lukas. It hurt so bad that he was here with me, whom he showed tons of affection to the night before, and trying to understand my brother. Granted, he was actually dating my brother, but it still didn't make it hurt any less.

"What's wrong, Emil?" he asked, eyes resting on me. "It bothers you that your dad is gone, doesn't it?"

There was no possible way he could've been more wrong! Instead of yelling my frustrations at him, I averted my gaze from him and tried to focus on the glove compartment of the car. I knew that I was being moody and that Mathias didn't deserve my attitude, but I also felt that this was the only way I could get through my internal crisis.

"It's not about your dad, is it?" Mathias slowly said. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him determinedly gripping the steering wheel, hands at "ten" and "two". "Is it about what we did last night?" He waited for me to reply, but accepted my silence as my answer. "There are things that I still need to figure out in regards to the two of you. I know that I'm being unfair to you, and I truly am sorry." He pounded his forehead against the top of the steering wheel and sighed. "I am really just making an ass of myself with every word that I say, and I don't know how to make any of it sound like an actual decent sentence." Mathias groaned. "While it is true that I'm not happy with Lukas anymore, it's not like I can just up and ditch him for you."

"Why can't you?" I asked, turning my attention to him at long last. "I take it that it's just easier to hurt me than it is to hurt him? Let me guess, you've got a fetish for siblings? In the end, you just think my feelings for you are just a joke, so you plan to make a joke of me?" Though I knew I shouldn't continue like that, the venomous words just poured out of my mouth before I could stop them. "I'm worth less that Lukas, is that it? Since I'm younger, my feelings don't matter as much as those of someone who is older?" Tears stung the corners of my eyes as the hateful accusations continued. "How much longer do you plan to string me along like this? Do you only string me along like this because you know I'm helpless against you? Do you brag to your friends about how so many people love you and would do anything for you, and then laugh over how stupid people like me are?" My fists clenched as I squeezed my eyes shut. "I can't take much more of this Mathias!"

Mathias was quiet for a moment as all of my words hit him like a slap to the face. "I know you can't," he softly stated. "That's why I'm trying to figure everything out as quickly as I can. It's not fair to you. I know that. I truly am being cruel and selfish, and I'm so sorry. You have every right to be angry with me for this."

"Do I?" I asked, turning my head to look at him, tears in my eyes. "Because no matter what you say, my heart won't let me be angry with you. My heart is an idiot who holds on to every sweet thing you ever said to me, hoping that maybe one day I'll be better than Lukas in your eyes!" A couple tears escaped. "That's never going to happen, is it?" I quietly asked. "No matter what I do in life, I will never surpass my brother. Whether it's in your eyes or my mother's or anyone else's, I will never be as great as my brother."

"Emil, listen, that's not what I intend for you to feel like," he pleaded.

"Then what the fuck even is your intention?" I demanded. Every single one of my feelings from the night before was gone, replaced with a bitter resentment for both Mathias and my brother. "This was all a game to you, wasn't it?" My sadness immediately turned to rage the longer I looked at him. "And I bet you thought that I was so stupid this whole time! Those words you said to me last night probably didn't mean shit! You couldn't get affection from my brother, so you sweet-talked me instead and got the intimacy you had been craving! Whether what you told me about your family last night was true or not, you got what you wanted from me! Why do you do this?! Don't make more of an idiot of me than I have already made myself!" I threw open the door and got out of the car. "Leave me alone from now on!" I shouted as I slammed the door and stormed off toward the school.

Another car door opened and shut behind me, but I didn't even bother to look back. "Emil, wait!" Mathias called from behind me. "Please don't be like this! I can't-"

I whirled around to face him. "You can't what, Mathias?!" I demanded. "Now that your 'precious' toy wants nothing to do with you anymore, you're going to try to use smooth words to take it back?! It's not going to work! I just want you to leave me alone! It was fun, but I'm tired of these games! I will never be able to respect myself for as long as I'm still hanging around with you! If you really do love me, and what you said last night wasn't a lie, then let me go! I'm done with the kind words, the crazy feelings, the lies, deceiving my brother, all of it! Please," I said, clasping my hands together, "just leave me alone!"

Mathias stopped in his tracks, looking like a kicked puppy. The genuinely hurt expression on his face made me want to take back everything that I had just said to him, but I knew that if I did that then the cycle would never end. His expression didn't suit him, and I hated that I was the one who caused it. My heart broke more and more the longer I stared at him, but I couldn't allow myself to take it back.

I could tell he wanted to say something, but if I stuck around to hear it I'd be pulled right back in. Without listening to a thing he had to say, I turned away from him and sprinted off toward the school, pulling out my phone.

Though I hadn't spoken to him since our falling out, the only person I could think of to text was Leon. I knew that I had no right to ask for him to come meet up with me, but I still shot him a text. Once it had sent, I put my phone back in my pocket and sped up, trying to put as much distance between The Danish Pastry House and myself as I could.

As I rounded the corner of the school grounds, I stopped dead in my tracks. There he was, waiting for me. Overwhelmed by all of the events of that morning, I felt my legs give out beneath me as I collapsed onto a soft patch of grass and sobbed.

Leon was with me at lightning speed, sitting next to me with his hand on top of mine. He didn't ask any questions about anything that had happened this morning. Instead, he just sat next to me in silence, running his thumb over the back of my hand. Nothing needed to be said for him to know how sorry I was for what I had done, and him being there was proof that he had forgiven me.

As I cried over the loss of both Mathias and my own father, I realized that the only person I could depend on was myself. Though Leon came for me that morning, who was to say he would do it again if we were to fight once more? I really was all I truly had, and that thought in itself was more lonely than I dared to believe.


	8. Chapter 8

The next few days were the roughest I'd had in awhile. After my horrific morning with my mother and Mathias, I had gone to actively ignoring both of them. It was much harder than I had anticipated. Mathias was texting me, calling me, slipping notes under my door, and all that shit. I never answered him or read his texts, and when he slipped a note under my door I'd throw it away without even looking. I was done with his fake words and affection.

Leon had started coming over more often. He came home with me every day after school, and if Mathias was at my house we would go to his instead. A couple times, he and Mathias were there at the same time, making my house a billion times more awkward than it originally was. I hated being there, so I decided that I'd stay the weekend with Leon, just to get away from everything.

Fast forward to Friday night. I was sitting on the bean bag chair in the corner of Leon's bedroom while he talked shit to people on Fortnite from his PlayStation. It was a typical night between us, just like the old days. We would both get together and then completely ignore each other while we did our own thing, but it was oddly comforting because we weren't alone. Our families just thought we were weird for it.

I was flipping through some random Chinese magazine when my phone started ringing. Upon looking at my screen, I saw that it was my house calling. It struck me as odd that I was getting a call from there, considering we never used that phone. Thinking it was an emergency, I answered it without hesitation.

"Please don't hang up," Mathias's hushed voice pleaded from the other end. The tone in his voice was so desperate that I decided to hear him out for a moment. "I really need to talk to you." His voice sounded muffled, like he was trying not to get caught making the call. "Please let me explain myself."

"You have one minute," I stated, placing the magazine on Leon's nightstand. Though I really didn't care what his excuse was, I couldn't bear to hang up when he sounded so desperate. What the hell was wrong with me?

Mathias took a deep breath. "Okay, so here's the thing," he began. "I can't stop thinking about what you said to me at the shop. Emil, I didn't want you to feel that way at all. I'm really sorry that you felt like that. It was never my intention. The truth is, I really do like you, I swear."

"I really can't do this," I told him, sighing. "In the end, I'm just going to look like an idiot while you get everything to go right for you. It sucks, and I'm not going to do it."

The voice on the other end was silent for a couple moments, probably trying to think of how to respond to that. "Please, Emil, I just-"

Leon suddenly took my phone from my hand and checked the time. "And your minute is up," he stated before hanging up the call. He gave my phone back to me and sighed before walking back over to his bed and picking his controller and headset back up.

"Hey, why did you do that?" I asked, still holding my phone in shock. Did that really just happen? Did he just hang up on Mathias for me? Could he tell that I was distressed about he call, even though he was playing video games?

"Someone's got to look out for you, right?" he asked. "If I don't, who will?" He then placed the headset back over his ears. "Hey, I'm back. No, it's all good. I just had to help out some fuckhead with an issue. I'm good to go. Where are you guys?"

I smiled to myself. Typical Leon. Though I knew he really did genuinely care, he always blew things off like that, no matter how important. Even through that while where we didn't talk, I bet he still would've done that. That was just the type of person Leon was. It made me feel better to know that someone like him would always have my back. After all, he had been my best friend since kindergarten. If he didn't have my back, who would?

.

Monday morning came around, no matter how badly I didn't want it to. I woke up in my own room and honestly considered faking sick to avoid encountering Mathias. Instead, I lazily rolled out of bed and nearly tumbled to the floor. This all sucked. Everything was dumb. I really didn't want to go to school or see my family or even leave my room.

I ended up walking to school, ducking behind a tree or something every single time a car that even remotely resembled Mathias came by. It was too stressful for me, and I ended up missing my first hour class. That didn't really matter, though, considering I never went anyway. In the end, I only tired myself out more than I normally did, and school hadn't even officially started for me. It sucked. Who knew protecting your feelings could be so exhausting?

Unfortunately, at school, luck did not favor me. I ran into Mathias in the hallway multiple times, yet I somehow managed to narrowly escape before he could say a damn word to me. It were almost as if I had become a full-blown ninja. There were moments where I was doing stunts I had never imagined that I could do, just to avoid talking to Mathias.

As all luck does, mine had run out right before my last class of the day. I was caught in the hallway outside of my history class. Well, I wasn't exactly caught, per se. It was more like a strong arm grabbed me and dragged me into an unoccupied maintenance closet. Without even looking at my captor, I already knew who it was. The smell of his intoxicating cologne had already filled the enclosed space.

Mathias peeked out between the grates on the window, the only light in that damn closet. His eyes narrowed as he focused his vision, loosening his grip when the bell rang. "You're a hard guy to get ahold of," he commented, finally turning his gaze to me. "Do you know how badly I've needed to talk to you? Why did you let that kid hang up on me this past weekend?"

"That kid happens to be my best friend," I snarled. "He thinks you're absolute shit, and I honestly have to agree with him." I jerked my arm out of his grip. "What do you want, Mathias? Why can't you just leave me alone so I can heal? Do you insist on rubbing more salt into my wounds before you're satisfied? How much more do you plan on dragging my feelings through shit until you are satisfied?"

Frustrated, he put a hand over my mouth, taking me off guard. "Stop it, Emil!" he hissed. "Just stop." Mathias half-groaned, half-sighed and leaned heavily against the wall. "I ended things with Lukas. He and I are over."

"And?" I asked, trying to keep my obvious interest out of my tone. "Why are you telling me this? It had nothing to do with me. Do you think I'll just jump into your arms or even your bed just because you finally broke things off with my shit brother? I'm not going to do any of that shit. I don't see you the same as I used to. I'm done bowing to your every will."

"Will you shut up?" he groaned. "If you're that insistent on destroying my self-confidence, save it for another time." He was quiet for a moment, most likely trying to think of what to say next. "Look, I did some shitty stuff to you," he began, somehow managing to ignore my all-to-cheerful hum of agreement. "I should never have done any of it, especially while dating your brother. It was really selfish of me." Again, he ignored my enthusiastic agreement. "I've done a lot of thinking since you told me off in the parking lot of the shop. Ever since we stopped associating with each other, I started finding being around Lukas almost like a chore. The critical things you said about him became more and more clear without you around. You were right, Emil. Lukas is not a good match for me."

"If you're thanking me for opening your eyes, you're welcome," I sighed. "Dude, I really need to get to class." I reached out for the door handle, but Mathias got in my way. "What do you want from me? I have no plans to blindly fall for you again. I'm past that part in my life. I'm tired of feeling stupid and desperate, Mathias. You made me look like an idiot."

"That wasn't my intention," he insisted, stress apparent in his voice. "What can I do to convince you that I'm really serious about you this time? I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" I asked, weighing the possibilities in my head.

"Yes, anything," Mathias borderline pleaded. The desperation in his voice was strong, but my hurt feelings were stronger.

"Then get out of my way," I said, grabbing the handle. Opening the door and stepping out into the empty hallway, I followed up with, "I'm late for class," before leaving him alone in the closet he had previously trapped me in.

.

"You really did that?" Leon asked me, impressed. I had just finished telling him about the closet, and he was obviously happy about it. "Stand your ground, bro! Put that douchebag in his place! Take no shit!"

"That's the plan," I laughed, sipping at my mug of hot chocolate that I had made before we went up to my room to hang out. "And do you want to know what the best part is?" I peeked over my mug at him to build up excited tension, smiling into my drink when I saw Leon nearly bouncing with anticipation. "Since he and Lukas broke up, he had no reason to ever come to my house again."

Leon's eyes were practically sparkling with excitement. "Fuck, bro, you really don't mess around!" He was obviously awestruck, and I didn't blame him. My best friend had to watch as Mathias led me on for months, and now he was ecstatic to hear about me sticking up for myself against him. "Good on you, though! You didn't need him anyway!"

"Yeah," I laughed, trying to ignore the slight hollow ache in my chest. Mathias was still a sore subject on my heart, but I was glad that it was getting easier to talk about him. "Fucking asshole, thinking I'll go running into his arms the moment he breaks up with my brother. Well he's got a rude reality coming his way."

Though I talked tough, there was nothing I wanted more than to just go running back to Mathias. I wanted to ignore the fact that he had hurt me and just forget anything bad had ever happened between us. I wanted to be an idiot and just love him until the end of time. But there was no way I could do any of that and still respect myself in the end.

"That's what I like to hear," my best friend enthused. Where his enthusiasm was always contagious, it just couldn't reach me at this point. "If he's serious about his 'feelings' for you, then you should make him work for it. Then we'll see how 'serious' he really is." Leon laughed loudly before sipping his hot cocoa and accidentally scalding his top lip. "Fuck!" he hissed.

A small chuckle escaped my lips when I saw his face contort into a mixture of pain and shock. "It's called hot chocolate for a reason, Leon," I condescendingly reminded.

He placed his mug on the coffee table in my room. "Yeah?" he asked. "Shut up." I flipped him the bird and he flipped two back at me. "If I want to burn my lips off on the chocolatey lava that you call a beverage, then I will. Mind your damn business."

I grinned at him and carefully sipped at my hot chocolate. "Yum. Cocoa," I mocked.

"Fuck off," he joked, smiling at me. He then picked his mug back up and smiled down into it. "You know," he said, not looking up from the mug, "I really did miss you when we were fighting. Can we, like, never do that again?"

For a moment, I was caught off guard, not used to Leon saying things like that. "Yeah," I finally agreed. "Let's never do that again."


	9. Chapter 9

I felt as if I were walking on eggshells the next few days. If I saw my brother, I would avoid him. He seemed really upset, and I knew that it had to do with Mathias. There was no way that I would get myself involved. The same went for my mom. Those two were toxic for me, to the point that I had half a mind to go stay at Leon's house. The only reason I refrained was because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep at night with him playing his video games.

At school, I had to be extra careful. If Mathias were to shut me in a closet again, there was no telling what I would do. He was always crouching in the shadows lately, looking for a chance to pounce. There was no way I would give him the satisfaction of winning my heart back easily. In fact, I had no plans to ever fall for him again. After all of the grief that he put me through, there was no way I would let him back into my heart like that.

Yet at the same time, my heart pounded whenever I got a glimpse of him. His stupid hairstyle and his dumb smile made me feel as if I were having a heart attack every time I saw them in passing. What the fuck was wrong with me? There was no way that I could still love him after everything! That was impossible! I wasn't that much of a masochist!

Resisting the urge to smash my head into my locker as I thought of that, I crouched down to get my books for my next class. Moments like these were when I needed to be most aware of my surroundings, hoping that no unwanted visitors would come to my locker. I hoped that Leon would show up soon and cover for me while I gathered my things, but then again I couldn't be that selfish. Just because I was nervous about running into certain people didn't mean that Leon should have to sacrifice his free time for my personal comfort.

"Look at you!" a voice cooed at me. "You're handling things all on your own today. Looks like you didn't need me here after all." Leon stood behind me when I looked up. "My little Emil is growing up," he sighed in mock distress. "What ever shall I do about this?" He leaned dramatically against the locker next to mine. "What will I do when my little boy doesn't need me anymore?"

I sighed, standing up and closing my locker. "When are you going to stop with all that crap?" I groaned at him. "It's not like I'm some helpless child who can't handle things on my own. I just don't want to put up with all that stress on my own, you know?"

Leon laughed loudly. "Why can't you just come out and say it?" he asked. "You like that your best friend is dependable with unlimited free time and desire to help others." His smile was so condescending that I had half a mind to smack it right off of his face. "Aren't you glad that you have a best friend like me?"

"If I say yes, will you shut up?" I asked him, making my way toward the staircase to my next class. Groaning, I began to walk up to the next floor of the school. "Thank you for helping me out when I need it, Leon. Is that good enough for you?"

"A few tears would've been nice, but I guess beggars can't be choosers," he stated with a noncommittal shrug. "I guess that'll do for now." Leon grinned widely at me. "Next time, you should try to make it sound better, 'kay?" He lifted a hand to say goodbye and exited on the floor we were to, while I still had one left.

I sighed and went up the stairs, trying not to focus on anything around me. If I couldn't focus until I got to class, even if Mathias were around I wouldn't see or hear him. That was the plan anyway. Unfortunately, things didn't always go according to plan. By that, I mean that Mathias was waiting for me at the top of the stairs.

Letting out a groan of frustration, I rolled my eyes. I knew he was waiting for me because of the fact that he grabbed me when I tried to walk past him. His grip on my arm was stronger and tighter than I had anticipated.

"You're avoiding me, Emil," he stated, frowning in annoyance. "Why won't you talk to me?"

"There is no way you really just asked me that," I sighed. I tried to break away from him, but his grip was too strong. "Why can't you just leave my alone? It's not my fault that you're a shitty guy, so why are you still trying to pull me into it? I don't want anything to do with you anymore. Can't you get that through your thick skull? You fucked up, and now it's time that you accept the consequences of your own actions."

Mathias's grip on my arm loosened a bit. "I just want things to go back to the way they were, Emil," he quietly said. "Is that too much to ask for?"

I ripped my arm out of his grip. "At this point, it is." My feet felt heavy as I walked away, but I tried not to focus on it. There was no way I could turn back or even look at him. If I were to do something like that, it would be letting him win. My conscience wouldn't let me leave things like this, so I quickly called back, "Maybe you could start toward that fantasy of yours by apologizing to the people you hurt, and not just me. Start by telling everyone the truth, and then maybe I'll consider treating you like a human."

Just before I entered my classroom, I heard Mathias's voice shout to me from the end of the hallway, "If that's what it takes, then I'll do it, Emil! You'll see!"

I couldn't help but enter my classroom with a smile on my face.

.

That night, as I scrolled through Tumblr on my phone, I heard a knock on my door. My family usually left me alone, so I let out a surprised squeak at the sound of the rapping on my door. After recovering from the shock, I slowly opened my bedroom door to discover my brother standing there.

"I need to talk to you," he stated, voice monotonous. "Do you mind if I come in?" Without waiting for my answer, he let himself into my room. "I don't know if you know this, but Mathias and I broke up." He sat on my couch and stared over at me. "Today, he informed me of what really happened, and now I want to hear it from you as well."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, shutting my door. I slowly moved over to my bed and sat down across from him. "What all did he tell you?"

Lukas looked down into his lap, clenching his fists. "Don't play dumb with me, Emil," he said, voice shaking. "I know what he did. And it wasn't right at all." He looked up, a pained expression on his face. "He manipulated your emotions while he was dating me. It pisses me off. Why didn't you tell me he was doing something like that? I would have put an end to all of it."

"You were always angry with me," I defended. "If I would've told you what was going on, there was no doubt that you would get mad at me and blame it all on me. No way in hell was I going to tell you that Mathias was cheating on you with me." I refused to add insult to injury by telling him that I wanted Mathias to break up with him the whole time. If Mathias wanted to take the fall for it all, I was going to let him. "You wouldn't have believed me anyway."

"So you let him just fuck around with your feelings because you thought I'd be angry?" he snarled at me. "That's stupid, Emil! It's fucking bullshit! You should've told me the moment it all started! I had my suspicions anyway, but having Mathias straight-up tell me that he took advantage of you makes me sick! Don't keep shit like that from me!" He glared at me. "What would you have done if he had done more to you than he did? Would you have still kept quiet because you didn't want to make me angry? Well, guess what! I'm even more angry than I would have been if you had just fucking told me! I don't like being kept in the dark, Emil! Especially when it's something like this!"

"So are you done yelling at me?" I asked. "If so, please leave."

"Why are you being like this?" Lukas demanded, standing up. "I'm trying to show concern for you and the situation you were in, and you're just throwing it in my face!"

"You think you can just ignore me and pick on me for my entire life and then suddenly pretend to care once you find out what your shitty excuse of a boyfriend did to me?" I asked. "That's not how this works, Lukas. Now get out of my room. I don't have anything else to say to you."

"I can't fucking believe this," my brother grumbled, storming out of my room. He slammed the door after himself and stomped up the stairs to his room.

My head was spinning by that time as I laid down on my bed. What the hell had Mathias told him to make him freak out so badly? Did Mathias take full blame for everything that happened between me and him? He had to have if Lukas was angry with him and not me. Just what was that man thinking by doing all of that? Was it an attempt to get back into my good graces, or what? Either way, I wasn't going to let him back in that easily.

My phone vibrated and I checked it to see a message from Mathias. As tempted as I was to ignore it, I opened it. What I read shocked me.

Hey, I went ahead and told Lukas everything about us. I hope you don't mind, but I tweaked it a bit to make sure you weren't hated by him. The only one who should be hated is me. Talk to you later.

"Idiot," I whispered to my phone, smiling. "What is going on in that weird head of yours anyway?" My eyes drifted shut as I thought about what Mathias had done. Did he really sacrifice any future relationship with Lukas for me?

I then thought about what I had said earlier at school. If I remembered correctly, I had told him to tell people the truth and apologize to the people he had hurt. Did this mean that he was going to do just that? Who else did he need to apologize to after Lukas? I hoped that he really would apologize to everyone for what he did.

What would I do once he did that? Would it be okay to let him back into my life? Would he still want me to take him back? What if he apologized and then just disappeared off to college and we never saw each other again? Though I claimed I wanted something like that to happen, I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

If Mathias were to disappear after everything we had been through, I wouldn't be able to take it. My heart didn't want to let go of him that easily. It wouldn't be right for any of that to happen. What if I never got the closure I need?

My heart ached at the thought of Mathias fixing everything and then fucking off to only God knows where without a trace. That would absolutely suck. Who would ever want something like that? No one in their right mind would leave things like that, right? Was I looking too far into this? Could it be that I was freaking out over nothing? That had to be it!

.

The next day at school, my eyes searched for Mathias, but for the first time in a long time, I didn't see him. Even after lunch, there was no sign of him in the places where he usually was. Then again, I hadn't seen Leon anywhere either. That in itself was odd, if I must say. Leon was always around me. Where could he be?

I sat in my last class of the day, staring at the empty seat across from me. Leon usually sat there, but he was nowhere to be found. Was he sick? Then again, if he was sick, he would've told me. There was no way he could be avoiding me, right? It also wasn't like him to skip class either.

"Yo, what's up?" a voice asked. I turned around to see Leon approaching me from behind. "Why are you staring at my seat like that? I had an appointment today, so I haven't been around much today. That, and…" His voice trailed off as he looked troubled.

"And?" I asked, confused as to why he would just leave me hanging like that.

"Mathias pulled me aside and talked to me today."


	10. Chapter 10

For a moment, my ears tuned out every sound around me. Mathias had talked to Leon? What in the world could he have had to say to him? Things weren't exactly adding up, and I was wondering where it was all going. Why would Mathias talk to Leon?

Curiosity got the better of me as I mentally braced myself for the answer my best friend would give me. "What would Mathias have to say to you anyway?" I asked him. "Has he ever said a single word to you up until now?"

Leon closed his eyes and shook his head. "Not a word," he confirmed. "That's what was so weird about it." He held his breath as he seemed to think to himself. "Look, I've been debating telling you what we talked about for the past hour, but I've decided that it will be too cruel to keep it from you." My best friend took a deep breath before saying, "He came to apologize to me. I guess he really did realize how big of a douchebag he was being. Though his apology was more of a, 'I know about your feelings, but he's going to be mine soon, so sorry for all of the trouble I've caused up until now,' apology, I could feel the sentiment in it."

I didn't hear anything past that. My ears felt like they were buzzing. What was Mathias thinking, saying something like that to Leon? He didn't know that idiot like I did! If anything, Leon would see that as a challenge! Those two morons fighting over me is the absolute last thing I currently need. My head was already starting to hurt just by thinking about it.

"Earth to Emil! Are you listening?" Leon waved his hand in front of my face. "Please return to our conversation. As fascinating as I know I am, I'd rather not continue talking to myself. Do it for my ego, buddy."

I rolled my eyes, returning to reality. "If it's for your ego," I sighed, smirking at Leon. "So what all was said? You have officially piqued my utmost interest."

Leon scoffed and rolled his eyes. "You're too kind." He cleared his throat way louder than necessary before continuing. "So as I was saying, he wants you to meet him in the gym after school. I don't know why it's the gym specifically, but whatever. He told me to have you meet him in the gym, even if I had to drag you there by your snowy white grandpa hair."

"Mathias said I have grandpa hair?" I incredulously asked, raking my fingers through my prematurely white hair. The sudden stress of such a straightforward comment sent my thoughts into a frenzy. Did my hair really look that bad in contrast to my young face?

"Nah, I just wanted to add that in to see what you'd do," my best friend laughed. "Your reaction was even better than I had originally anticipated." He held his sides as he laughed. "It was so beautiful. You should've seen your face!"

I reached out and punched Leon's arm as hard as I could. "Fuck off, it wasn't funny," I grumbled at him. Though while pouting, I tried to make it obvious that I was interested in going to the gym after school. In fact, my head was swimming with thoughts of why Mathias would possibly want to meet up with me in the gym. There was no way I would be able to focus in my last two classes. Why did Mathias have to do stuff like this?

.

"Are you sure you heard him correctly?" I asked, walking into the dark gymnasium. "There's no one here!"

"No, man, I'm certain this is where he said!" Leon called from the doorway, fumbling around for the light switch. "This is the exact time and place he told me! Even if I don't like him, I'm not petty enough to change up important information like that! Have a little more faith in me, Emil!"

The moment Leon turned on the gymnasium lights, I heard Mathias's laughter echoing off the walls of the cavernous room. Squinting my eyes against the blinding light, I looked to the center of the room where Mathias confidently stood next to a random soccer goal. What the fuck was going on?

"You wanna tell me what the hell is going on with all of this?" I asked, looking to the blond in the middle of the room. Seeing him stand next to the soccer goal so smugly pissed me off. What were his intentions? It made me wonder exactly how much Leon really did know about all of this.

Mathias smirked at me. "Gladly!" He gestured to the soccer goal next to him as if he were Vanna White. "Let's play a game, Emil! If I can kick a goal past you, then you have to hear me out!"

"But you're on the soccer team," I flatly stated. "Even if I am in a position where I can use my hands while you can't, you are well aware of the fact that I am not athletically. It would be too easy."

"That's why I've asked Leon to help you," the soccer star replied. "The goal is big enough for the two of you, and I've already done this with Leon. I only made three goals out of ten tries."

"It's true," Leon replied with a shrug when I whirled around to look at him. "I may not be on the soccer team, but my skills as a goalie are just about equal to his kicking." He then fixed his brown eyes on Mathias. "I'll give you three tries to get it past us as a team. If you're as good as you think you are, then you should have no problems kicking a goal."

The fire of his competitive spirit burned in Mathias's clear, blue eyes. "You're on!" he agreed.

As the two ran to their positions, I remained frozen in place, dumbfounded. Why were they making my decisions without me? It was so like both of them that it almost made me sick. I had absolutely no interest in any of this! What made them think that they could control me like this? Having half a mind to just walk out of the gym and go home, I decided to humor them and stood in the goal next to Leon.

Moments later, a soccer ball came flying toward me. Leon leaped in front of me and caught it, accompanied by an angry shout of, "Dude, what the hell?! He wasn't ready, and you know it!"

"Well you blocked it, didn't you?!" Mathias shouted back, equally as annoyed with my best friend.

"Careful," Leon warned me in a low voice, "it seems our friend here plays dirty. Stay alert, Em."

I nodded, taking a deep breath. If I didn't stay focused, who knew what would happen? Spacing out was not something I could afford to do if I wanted to beat Mathias at his own game. I couldn't leave everything up to Leon. He had already done enough for me by this point. All I had to do now was block the next two shots. The anxiety of that knowledge was eating away at the rest of my mental composure.

Bracing myself as Mathias kicked the ball once more, I made sure my eyes never left it. My heart raced as it came hurtling toward me. All I had to do was catch or stop this ball twice. Piece of cake...right? I braced myself for the impact as it flew into my chest and knocked the wind out of me. Yet by some sort of miracle, I managed to wrap my arms around the damned ball and hug it to my chest as I doubled over and collapsed on the floor, gasping for breath. I caught it! I really caught it!

Leon rushed over, crouching next to me. "Holy shit! You okay, Emil?!" He turned his attention to Mathias. "What's the big idea, hot shot?! You could've done some serious damage, you know!"

The blond before us seemed much more heated and determined than before. He threw his hands up in exasperation. "If I don't put in any actual effort, then how the hell am I supposed to get the ball past you?! Use your brain! You know, for being Yao Wang's little brother, you sure are an idiot!"

I felt slightly offended for Leon for a moment, but there was no denying that my best friend really was an idiot. But the more I thought about it, the same could be said about me. Lukas was the student council president, after all. Being the idiot little brother sucked, but being called out as the idiot little brother was much worse.

My best friend slowly rose back to his full height and turned to Mathias. "Don't you think you've taken enough cheap shots, Køhler?! You kick the ball at Emil twice, knowing that he sucks at everything sports-related." He turned his head to look at me for a moment. "Look Emil, I love you, but even you know you're a shit athlete." His rage was redirected at the blond. "My brother may be an ultra nerd, but you don't have to call me an idiot!"

"But you are an idiot, Leon," I interjected.

"Fuck off, Emil," he replied. Without missing a beat, he continued his tirade. "There are plenty of things we're both better at than you, so don't you think it's unfair to take advantage of our weaknesses like that? We don't need to feel any more inferior than we already do! Why are you going so far just for Emil to listen to you? If you weren't such a dick in the first place, then none of this would be necessary!"

"You think I don't know that?!" Mathias shouted back at him. "This is the only way I can think of to make things right! I have to work my ass off to prove that I really mean what I say! It's my only way to show how hard I'm working toward his forgiveness! Why do you insist on making things worse!"

Leon reached a hand down to help me up. "You go stand to the side, Emil," he said, walking me away from the goal. "I'll handle this last shot." After leading me a safe distance away, he walked back over to the goal and stood in the center. "Hit me with your best shot, Mathias. Do your worst."

Mathias clenched his jaw and hardened his glare at Leon. He took a deep breath and positioned the ball under his foot. I saw his lips moving, as if he were giving himself a pep talk. How serious was he about wanting my forgiveness anyway? To me, it seemed like he was working almost too hard.

I watched Leon drop into a goalkeeping stance. He narrowed his eyes at Mathias and nodded to show that he was ready. His eyes were focused on the ball, and that was when I knew that Mathias didn't stand a chance. This was it. This was game over.

Mentally, I almost felt that it was too soon for this to really be the end of it all. It left a bittersweet feeling in my heart. If Mathias missed this goal, did this mean he was really going to give up? Would he stop talking to me after this? Even if he had been a complete jerk, that's not what I wanted. A life without Mathias would be too boring!

I noticed Leon shift his gaze to me for a brief moment. He looked concerned about me. His eyes instantly went to the ball as it was kicked toward him. The amount of focus and determination in Leon's gaze was nearly unbearable. This was it. This was the end. There was no way Mathias could make this goal.

The next few seconds all seemed to pass by in slow motion. Leon reached out toward the ball as if he were going to catch it, but upon seeing the defeated look in Mathias's eyes, he dropped his hands to his sides and stepped out of the way of the ball. In one loud, swooshing noise, the ball went straight into the goal. If I hadn't seen it for myself, I wouldn't have believed that it had happened, but there was the undeniable truth. My best friend moved out of the way of the ball and let it pass into the net without a second thought.

For the first time since I could remember, the three of us were completely silent. It was so quiet that the ticking of the hands on the gym clock echoed around us as the only noise any of us could hear.

"Wow, Mathias," Leon drawled, voice monotonous, as he turned to look into the goal. "You made it past me. Bummer. How could I have possibly let that happen?" He shrugged and walked toward the gymnasium door. "Well, I'm going home. See you tomorrow, Emil."

Mathias looked just about as shocked as I felt. It were almost as if he couldn't believe what Leon had done. He then dared to look over at me and , in a quiet voice, asked, "Can we talk?"

I felt my lips pulling into a smile, cheeks growing hot. "Wasn't that the agreement?"

He smiled back, dazzling me. "I guess so."


	11. Chapter 11

At first, neither of us had any idea what to say. We walked out of the school, side-by-side, an overwhelming silence between us. It felt as if neither of us knew what to do now that it was time for us to talk. Before I knew it, we were in the parking lot, leaning against the car. The sun was hot and blinding, causing us to squint at everything.

Mathias finally broke the silence, pulling his keys from his pocket. "Want to get some coffee, Emil?" he asked. I have a feeling that this conversation may take a bit."

"Yeah, sure," I replied with a nod. There was a soft click of the door unlocking behind us. I opened the door and tried to ignore the feeling of being roasted alive as I waited for Mathias to get in.

He rolled the windows down as we started to drive toward The Danish Pastry House. The breeze blew his hair around as his blue eyes focused on the road, hidden beneath sunglasses. Mathias looked like a god with his handsome features, golden hair, and sunkissed skin. I realized that I had been holding my breath when he turned to me and passed me his extra pair of sunglasses. All I had wanted to do in that moment was kick myself for ignoring this aesthetic masterpiece of a man for so long. My heart could barely handle sitting with him like this.

Once we got to The Danish Pastry House, we headed toward the back corner booth, where no one would bother us. Our coffee and cakes awaited us there as I realized that Mathias must have texted Berwald and Tino in advance. My nerves began to get the best of me as I sat across the table from him. I had never been so nervous around Mathias before, so why now?

Mathias raked his fingers through his hair as he sat across from me. He let out a deep sigh as he averted his gaze from mine. "Now that I actually have your attention, I don't even know where to begin," he sheepishly admitted. "I have rehearsed what I was going to say to you over and over in my head, but now that you're actually here in front of me, I can't remember a damn word of it. Kinda lame, isn't it?" His cheeks were flushed with embarrassment, but I couldn't help but smile behind my mug as I took a sip. "People know me for being charming and talkative, and now look at me, tongue-tied when it matters most." Another sigh escaped his perfect lips. "I suck."

I slowly set my mug down as I gathered my thoughts. "You don't suck," I slowly stated. "Sure, you're phenomenal at wasting my time, but it's not like you see me complaining. I never have anything better to do. Waste away, Mat. I've got all day."

He took a deep breath before looking directly into my eyes. "I love you, Emil," he blurted out after a moment of silence. "Yes, I know that I said that before back when I was dating Luke, but after being apart from you for so long I'm sure of it. They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I firmly believe that. I'll tell you I love you as many times as it takes for you to believe me."

I sat there in silence for a moment, my brain struggling to process what he had just told me. Mathias loved me? Why wouldn't my brain let me believe that? What was making me doubt the words of the man I loved the most? Had I really lost all trust in him? No matter how desperately I tried to convince myself that what he had just told me was the honest truth, but I couldn't believe it. My mind refused all emotional influence that I pushed toward it.

"How can you expect me to believe something like that when there has never been any evidence to back it up?" I slowly asked him. My eyes remained trained on my coffee mug. If I were to look up at him, the look on his face would probably make me doubt my resolve. There was no way I could let that happen, not when I had come this far. "It's always been like this with you, Mathias. You tell me these sickeningly sweet lies to keep me wrapped around your finger, and for what? How do you expect me to believe these words when they were all lies the last time you said them?"

Mathias angrily slapped his hands down on the table and stood up so suddenly that I jumped and looked up at him. He was fuming. "I have never lied to you!" he ground out through clenched teeth. "I've always been honest with you! There was nothing I didn't tell you, even if it was painful for both of us!"

I stood up as well, seething. "And that's why it was okay to hurt me?! What about my brother?! I may hate Lukas, but it's not like I wanted him to have a permanent scar on his heart from some jerk who couldn't make up his goddamned mind!" The reality of what I had just shouted sunk in like a ton of bricks, crashing me back down into my seat. "Why, Mat?" I weakly asked. "Why did you do this to us? We trusted you." Tears welled up in my eyes, and I desperately tried to bring them back. "We loved you."

Unable to think of a comeback for my sudden outburst, he slowly sank back down into his seat. "I know you did," he quietly replied. "And I betrayed you. It was stupid of me, and I regret it every day. If I could take it all back, I would. I would go back in time and refuse to date Lukas, and-"

"If you hadn't dated my brother, we never would have gotten this close," I commented. My eyes focused sadly on my coffee. "We ruined you life, didn't we?"

Mathias wore the expression of a kicked puppy. "Ruined my life?" he asked, voice quiet with disbelief. "Why would you even think something like that? If anything, you've improved it. In all reality, I'm just a desperate idiot who refuses to let go of someone I took advantage of. Someone like you will never come around again, Emil, but I have no right to cling to you. It's time that I own up to my own actions and accept the consequences. I'm sorry for everything that I've done up until now. Let's go, Emil. I'll give you a ride home. From now on, I'll just focus on graduation. It's two months away. After that, you'll never have to see me again." He stood up and pulled his keys from the pocket of his jeans, a sigh of disappointment floating through his lips. "You know," he began, turning toward me and casting me a pained smile, "maybe it's better this way."

.

For the next two months, I kept thinking back to that last car ride with Mathias. We hadn't said a word to each other, neither wanting to stab through the heavy silence that was suffocating us. The only thing we said to each other was my brief thanks for the ride and our quick goodbyes. My body felt heavier than lead and was difficult to drag up to my room. But once I was there, I cried my entire body weight in tears, and then some.

Things had slowly gotten easier after that night. I stopped looking for Mathias in the hallways. Leon's dumb ass encouraged me to study for finals with him, but I always went home once he turned on the video games a half hour into studying. I assumed that Lukas knew what happened with Mathias because he did anything he could to keep me distracted at home. He mostly had me help him study for exams, but I was weirdly grateful for it.

Graduation snuck up on me. Before I knew it, I was wedged between my mom and Leon on the bleachers of our school gymnasium. Though there were hundreds of people, and even a stage, all I could see was a singular soccer goal. My heart sunk lower and lower in my chest as the graduates entered. Without realizing it until much too late, I actively sought out Mathias, my heart pounding at the sight of his smile.

I spaced out through the speeches of the school board. Unsurprisingly, Lukas was Valedictorian. It wasn't a shock to anyone at all. I spaced out through his speech, having heard it hundreds of times in the past week, due to his constant practicing. His speech was one that I could recite in my sleep by that point.

"With all of that said, I just want to congratulate my classmates on a job well done," my brother concluded. "I now pass the mic off to our Salutatorian, Mathas Køhler."

My eyes shot wide open as I ripped the graduation program from Leon's hands, having not grabbed one for myself. Sure enough, it was written there. Salutatorian, Mathas Køhler. How could that even be possible?! Leon's brother Yao was supposed to be Salutatorian! Mathias had never gotten good enough grades to do that!

Mathias jogged up to the podium and hugged Lukas before addressing the crowd. "Hey guys!" he cheerfully greeted, looking out at everyone. "I have no idea how I could even begin to follow up Luke's speech, but I'll try my best." He chuckled nervously as his eyes seemed to search the crowd. "I've never exactly been the brainy type, but I worked my butt off for this. There were many nights these past two months where I would call Lukas up in the middle of the night in tears because I just couldn't understand a single thing that I was studying." A fierce blush filled his cheeks as the crowd laughed. "Every time I wanted to give up, he'd always come at me with, 'I knew you'd give up, you moron.' Ever since I was young, I had always been the type of person to give up on things I would have to fight for. About two months ago, I realized that I was tired of giving up when things got hard."

My heart began pounding in my chest as his eyes rested on me. His shy, awkward smile gave me butterflies as I blushed.

"When you fight tooth and nail to get to where you think you want to be, it's hard to look back at the damage you caused," Mathias continued. "And sometimes, where you think you want to be is the polar opposite of where you should be. To those whom I have hurt along the way to where I am now, please believe that I am more sorry than you'll ever know. At this moment, I believe that I am now where I should be.

"Though we have all made mistakes, and are bound to make many more in our lives, we should never forget that we are only human. Humans make mistakes." He began to look around the crowd. "As humans, we can also do our best to correct our mistakes and make sure we never make them again. You'll never know when you'll make a mistake that can never be corrected.

"I want to leave you with this, guys," he said, wrapping his speech up. "As we think about our futures, let's all support each other and look after one another. You never know when you'll make a life-changing mistake, but always remember to do what you can to make things right, even if they never will be." His eyes once more rested on me. "I love you. Take care."

Cheers filled the gymnasium as he went back to his seat, but I could no longer hear a thing. My mind was too busy repeating his last words. "I love you." I felt lightheaded as my heart slammed against my ribcage over and over. How was I supposed to react to something like that?

In reality, there was only one thing I could do.

.

After posing with Lukas for what felt like thousands of graduation photos, he finally convinced our mom to let me go and congratulate the other graduates, shooting a subtle wink in my direction. I was forever in his debt.

I searched a bit before I finally found Mathias. He was walking toward his car, obviously preparing to leave. Now was my only chance. If I didn't call out to him now, who knew if I would ever see him again? It was now or never.

"Mat!" I called out to him, standing a parking space's distance away. He turned toward me in surprise. "Your speech! You meant that?!" I immediately wanted to kick myself. What the fuck even are words?!

Mathias cast a crooked, perfect smile in my direction. "I've never lied to you, Emil," he answered. "Why would I start now?" He leaned against his car. "It was meant to be my final farewell to you. I was going to leave without having this conversation, but now that it's actually happening, I feel rooted to this spot. I couldn't leave even if I wanted to." His blue eyes met mine. "I'm so in love with you, Emil. You're all I think about. I worked my ass off to become Salutatorian so that I could give you the final closure that you deserved, but now that you're right here, I don't want closure. All I want is you, Emil."

In only three steps, I quickly closed the short distance between us in those last couple sentences. "Just shut up and kiss me, you hopeless idiot!"

Our lips crashed together, and all of the bitter feelings I had felt for him slowly melted away. We were completely lost in each other. All that was left between the two of us was the purest love and the hope of a bright future together. In the end, maybe that was all we truly needed.

And that concludes the story of how I ended up with the man of my dreams.


	12. Epilogue

Six Years Later

I took a deep breath as I straightened my graduation cap on my head and the tassels that hung over my robe. This was it. I was graduating college today, and I was the Valedictorian of my class. Though unsure of how I did it, I somehow managed to graduate top of my class in high school and now college. Many people thought I did it because my brother did, but that wasn't anywhere near the truth. I did it because I believed that I could.

"Look at my baby brother!" Lukas teased, walking into the bathroom of the college. "You're all grown up now!" He reached over and pinched my cheek while I scowled at him. "Mom got us all good seats, so we'll be able to watch you stutter through your speech, just like you did in high school."

"Oh, fuck off," I grumbled. When I had graduated high school, I was so nervous that I stumbled through my entire speech and nearly threw up. It was mortifying, and no amount of comforting words from Mathias could make me feel better. This time, I was determined not to make a fool of myself. After all, it was the last time I'd ever have to make a speech in front of thousands of people. "That was years ago. I can handle it this time."

"Can you?" my brother mocked. He smirked at me. "You know, I never thought you would graduate top of your class twice. You make me proud. I guess you really do want to follow in your wonderful big brother's footsteps!"

"If you go two floors up and to the other end of the hallway, there's another bathroom. How about you go there?" I suggested, aggravated. I groaned and examined my reflection in the mirror. My stomach was turning in knots, and I didn't need Lukas to make me feel worse. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was almost time to line up with my class. The thought of that made me want to vomit. Why was everything happening so fast? "I have to go," I said, pushing past my brother. "I'll see you after the fact."

Lukas smiled at me. "You're going to do just fine. After all, you are my little brother. And if not, Leon's recording it and we can laugh at you for years to come!"

After everything had gone down Lukas's senior year, he decided to stay single for his college life. But an unexpected surprise showed up when Leon got accepted to his college. The two of them started hanging out with each other and became close despite the fact that Leon and I always hated on Lukas together in high school. One thing led to another, and the Christmas of his senior year of college my brother brought Leon home as his boyfriend.

Rolling my eyes, I stepped out of the bathroom and lined up with my class. Why was he so annoying? I quickly checked my phone, knowing that I wouldn't be able to once graduation started. Frowning once I realize Mathias hadn't texted me anything, I slipped my phone back in my pocket and began the walk toward the ceremony with my class.

Mathias and I had started dating on the day he graduated from high school. He decided to go to culinary school so that he could take over The Danish Pastry House one day. Unfortunately, the culinary school was a three hour drive from where I lived, but nearly every weekend Mathias did his best to make the drive back to come see me. That only made me fall more and more in love with him than I already had. He even made sure that he made it to my high school graduation, so I made certain that I was there for his graduation from culinary school a couple years back. And then when I left for a college two hours away, I did my best to do for him what he did for me when in culinary school, but sometimes my homework would pile up too much and I couldn't see him. That's why I was devastated when I found out he more than likely wouldn't make it to my graduation from college. Things were really busy this time of year for The Danish Pastry House, with graduation and all. I didn't really blame him for not being able to make it, but it still hurt.

I was so focused on Mathias not being there that I completely blanked out until I heard cheering while the girl next to me kept nudging me in the ribs. Coming back to reality, I glanced at her and she nodded up toward the podium, causing my stomach to sink. As I stood, all I could think of was the fact that at least I wouldn't embarrass myself in front of Mathias if I stuttered. After all, he wasn't there.

Taking care not to trip as I made my way to the podium, I nodded to the crowd. "Thank you," I said into the microphone. "I'd like to start by thanking you all for coming today, to share with us one of the most memorable days of our lives. Today, my peers and I will be moving forward with our lives, our education finished. It will be a bittersweet day for all of us as we say goodbye to each other and head out to begin our new lives, some in unfamiliar territory. One thing is for certain, though. We will never forget what we learned here, or the time we all spent together."

I searched out my family in the crowd and found one thing I wasn't looking for. In one of the front rows, planted directly between my mother and brother, was a tall man with ridiculous hair that seemed to defy all laws of gravity, the only person I wasn't expecting to be there. My heart pounded in my chest as I tensed up at the sight of him. What was he doing here? What about The Danish Pastry House? This was absolute madness!

Realizing I had paused for a moment, I picked back up where I left off, never taking my eyes off of my boyfriend. When focused on him, I believed that I could truly do anything. My speech was over before I realized it, making me realize that I hadn't stuttered or stumbled even once. Was it because Mathias gave me courage? After all, he was the one who believed in me first.

Once in my seat, I seemed to fidget for the rest of the ceremony. I felt so antsy knowing that Mathias was so close yet so far away from me. It had been three weeks since I last went home and saw him, and I craved his presence. It took every ounce of willpower that I had to not jump up and bolt straight toward him. I had to keep reminding myself that he'd still be there after the ceremony. He had to be. He had come all this way.

My legs couldn't carry me to my family fast enough. Yet when I got there, Mathias wasn't with them. I felt my heart sink as Lukas told me he saw Mathias walking toward the parking lot at the end of the ceremony. Tears filled my eyes, and upon seeing that, my mom handed me a folded piece of paper. After unfolding it, I saw that it was a note from Mathias.

Remember the day I graduated high school? Do you remember what you did? Repeat your actions. I'll be waiting.

-Mathias

Without waiting for my family to congratulate me, I handed my cap and gown to my mom and sprinted toward the parking lot. And there he was, leaning against his car, the same one he drove back in high school. A dashing smile graced his features when he saw me. I couldn't let myself slow down for even a moment and leaped into his arms once I was close enough, wrapping my legs around him to be sure that he wouldn't drop me.

"Why?" I panted, realizing how exhausting all of that running was. "Why do I always have to be the one who does all of the running?"

Mathias held me close to him as he leaned against the car. "It just kinda works out that way, doesn't it?" he laughed. "No one asked you to run, though. That was your choice, wasn't it?"

"Shut up," I sighed, holding him as tightly as I could. "How could I not come running?" That was when I realized that there were tears streaming down my cheeks. "Ugh, why am I crying over something as stupid as seeing an idiot like you?" I complained, but I didn't even loosen my grip. "You said you couldn't make it, Mat. I was devastated."

"I know you were," he soothingly whispered in my ear, sending chills through my body. "Last night, Tino and Berwald approached me as I was baking a graduation cake and demanded to know why the fuck I wasn't going to your graduation. When I told them I had to work, they took on my workload and told me that I needed to come to this. They were right. You were amazing, Emil." He squeezed me a little tighter. "But they also knew something you didn't know."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Let go of me, so I can show you," Mathias chuckled. He set me back down once I let go. "Around this time, six years ago, you made me the happiest I had been in years. We have watched each other grow into the men we are today, and I've loved every minute of it, even the fights we would have. As I look back on the past six years, I've realized something. I don't want anything more than to have you by my side. You make me feel like I can do anything." Mathias dropped to one knee and my heart skipped a beat. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you'll have an idiot like me." He pulled a small box out of his pocket and opened it, revealing a small silver ring. "Emil, would you be okay with marrying me? I mean, it's only the rest of your life."

I felt dizzy. Was this really happening? There was no way that I was imagining this, right? My lightheadedness caused me to stumble a little, and I quickly sat on Mathias's bent knee, taking it all in. "I'd love that," I quietly stated before looking into his perfect blue eyes. "I would want nothing more in the entire world."

With shaking hands, I reached over and took the ring out of the box and slipped it onto my left ring finger. "It's a perfect fit," I mused, admiring it before my vision became blurry. I wrapped my arms around Mathias and kissed him with everything I had, trying my best to convey my current feelings to him. "I love you," I whispered between kisses. "I love you so much."

Mathias held me tightly, trembling. "God, that was nerve-wracking," he admitted. "I've honestly chickened out from proposing to you multiple times now, but now that it's over with, I can't believe it was that easy. If I had known how easy it was, I would have done it years ago!" He laughed to himself, holding me tighter and tighter. "You're amazing, Emil! You are the best thing that's ever happened to me! I love you!"

I could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest as he held me, knowing that mine was reacting in the same way. It was surreal to think that I was engaged to him. This was not how I expected my college graduation day to be. My heart was soaring high in the clouds above us. It was difficult to contain all of the joy that I was feeling in that moment.

"Did Mom and Lukas know you were going to do this?" I asked once I had regained the ability to speak normally. "Is that why they gave me that note?"

"Do you think I would take your mother's youngest son for my own without her permission?" Mathias laughed. "What kind of man do you take me for? Of course they knew! Everyone but you knew! That's why I wasn't able to meet you these past few weeks. I was getting everything prepared for this moment." He blushed as he looked at me. "So, how did I do?"

I cupped his face in my hands and looked in to his eyes. "You did perfect," I told him, smiling. "You are perfect. And since I'm spending the rest of my life with you, maybe your perfection will rub off on me? Who knows?"

"I only became this way once I met you," he admitted. "You were what made me want to be the man I am today. You're the one who taught me what it truly means to be in love, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you, Emil."

"And I love you, Mathias," I replied before pressing my lips against his once more.

Sometimes love can approach you in weird ways. There are many confusing things about being in love. You may think that you love someone just because you're close with them. You may think that you love someone because they were the first to show you affection. But the best kind of love is unexpected love that comes out of nowhere and changes your life for the better. It's the kind of love that makes you a better person. Make sure that when you have that love, you never let it go.


End file.
